Because I Had You// Book #2 (Shawn Mendes FanFic)

Because I Had You: Kinsley

2 Years Earlier-
"Well considering that this is maybe our sixth time getting together I can't say I feel any different." I stared at my therapist as she just had her hands folded in her lap not caring her pen has dropped on the floor maybe five minutes ago and an empty sheet of notebook paper sitting in her lap. 
"Are you telling me the truth? Or are you just passing time away again Kinsley." My therapist has real patience with me, but to be honest I didn't have patience with anything or anyone.
"I just feel like the same. I feel like I'm still stuck in this time loop. Like images and memories just reply over and over again, and to be honest I don't think that's something you can take away from me." I frowned at myself knowing everything I was saying was the truth. I didn't want to look at her in the eyes. I didn't want her to see the girl who lives in the pain of the past.
"Almost a year ago I lost my dad. Not to forget who died in my arms. Still to this day. I still don't know the man who did it looks like. Then shortly after, I fell in love and hurt the one person who I saw my dad in. So my life is shit. My life is full of regret and guilt. For god sake, I can barely run a business and let alone take care of myself." I felt the tears building up in my eyes. I felt all my pain haunting me again.
"Are you alone Kinsley?" She finally took her glasses off and placing them on her nearby table.
"Am I alone?" I repeated making sure I hear her question correctly.
"Yes. Are you alone?"
"Is that a serious question?" I laughed thinking she must be out of her mind.
"I'm dead serious." She quickly added.
"What is this a joke? Of course I'm lonely. I'm fucking lonely." I nodded strongly.
"I'm the most alone I've ever been." I felt my voice beginning to crack from my  tears that have been waiting patiently to pour out.
"Do you miss him?" I gulped deep. Out of six sessions this is the most open I have been with her. I didn't bother to answer that last question.
"Kinsley." She waved her hand in front of my face as I was pretending to be in a day dream hoping she would move onto another question.
"Do you miss him?" This time she has my full attention. I just stared at her as any moment I knew I was just gonna erupt with emotions.
"I know you can hear me. Why aren't you answering?" I began to clear her voice out of my head as the moment of me walking, knocking, and kissing Matthew on my lips replayed in my head and the look of Shawn's face.
"It was just a kiss Kinsley." My therapist knew what I was thinking. I told her in my first session what I had done and then guarded myself from there on until now. I began nodding in silence a small tear slipped from my eye. I knew if I blinked more would just appear.
"It was just a kiss. Do you hear me?" I began turning my nod to a shake.
"You didn't sleep with him. You didn't seem anything else but a friend, and most importantly you didn't love him like you loved Shawn. Do you hear me Kinsley?" I bit the bottom of my lip knowing the biggest battle I was having at this moment was the one in my head.
"Stop holding yourself accountable for everything. Stop that now. It's eating you alive Kinsley, it's literally eating you."
"I-" I couldn't talk without stuttering. The guilt was consuming me.
"You have to let go." Right then and there. Her words. Let go. I just lost it. I bursted into tears letting everything I had out. I placed my hands over my face ashamed of the girl my dad didn't create or wanted. How could I let go when I never stopped loving him in the first place? How? I was tired of seeing everything slip through my fingers. The truth is I'm stuck. I'm so stuck and I honestly need help. I need so much help, and just hearing someone else tell me something I tell myself all the time, but never do is all just too real for me.
"What have I done?" I cried out as my therapist remained quiet. She just let me have the moment. She allowed me to just be sad and relive my past. The first time someone who isn't close to me was taking a glimpse of a girl who can barley demonstrate what the number ten looks on her fingers.
"There's so much to life we don't understand or can't explain. That's why we make mistakes and sometimes that's why we keep making them because that's what we're use to." She finally broke the silence.
"How do I move on from here?" I lifted my head up as she looked at my red soaked eyes.
"How? Please tell me?" I begged. I was done fighting and calling out for mercy. I was done doing things without a warning and then just waking up to the cold air.
"That's something you need to figure out, but." She placed her hand gently on my knee.
"I'll help you find your way. Trust me." And right there, were the words I knew from here on out I was gonna hold onto forever.

Present-
"Mrs. Demers you have a meeting at six today." One of my assistants called out as I was walking down the hallway with tax papers on the building in my hands.
"Got it. Glass of water?" I asked.
"Yes ma'am." He turned and walked the opposite direction of me as I made a hard turn right straight for Sophie who was working at the front desk.
"Three artists just sent me CDS of their work. Wanna hear them?" Another one of my workers asked holding three different color disks in front of my face.
"Tomorrow. Make a time and place for me." I demanded once again making sure I kept my pace of walking the same.
"Yes ma'am." She turned and entered the same door she came out of.
"DON'T FORGET PHYSICAL THERAPY TOMORROW AT 1 MRS. DEMERS!" She yelled as I lifted my hand up giving her a thumbs up.
"What's the rush love?" Philip stepped from his door where he was working and began walking right beside me. Philip is the newest addition to the team at the label. He is a 6 '2 very handsome man. He has blonde brown hair with beautiful green eyes. He's also from London, so his English accent has all the girls crawling all over him, but not me. He's just a great worker and a great friend.
"I need Sophie to sign off these papers, and you know me. I have a real bad habit on doing things last minute." I rolled my eyes towards myself.
"Ahhh Sophie. I was looking at her papers aye, and she has a beautiful signature." Philip nodded to himself.
"What else is not perfect about her?" I questioned laughing knowing she's my partner in crime.
"Well, her laugh is definitely something we can fix-"
"Don't be mean!" I quickly interrupted him slapping him in his arm.
"Sorry sorry. I had too." We both turned walking down the stairs.
"I have to go and meet up with the board, employee meeting is tonight right?"
"Yes sir." I replied.
"Alright. Cheers." He stopped at his floor as I still had three more flights of stairs to go down. I finally made it to the lowest level and ran as fast as I could to the front desk.
"SOPHIE!"
"Geez girl. What's the rush?" She questioned as she already had a pen ready. She knew why I came down. She knew me too well. She grabbed my papers as she placed them down beginning to sign them.
"I have to say. It's good seeing you run."
"Why?" I questioned confused by her comment.
"Because you don't have that damn cane anymore." She smiled as I did too. Two years of physical therapy still continues, but I wouldn't change it for the world.
"But I don't mean to bring down the rain." I paused at her comment feeling my heart drop into my stomach.
"But you didn't tell me what happened." She tossed her pen down crossing her arms together and resting them on the table and leaning into me.
"What happened with what?"
"Don't play dumb." She smirked.
"I'm confused." I added. She sighed.
"You didn't tell me what happened with Shawn. When he came here." Her voice went from witty to serious. His face instantly appeared in my head and my heart began doing cartwheels. Bad ones though.
"Oh." I felt my lungs closing in. I didn't want to mention it or anything. Somethings I just want to keep myself.
"Tell me Kinsley." She wasn't gonna allow me to walk away. That's when I knew, that's when I knew this story was about to begin. This for sure is that last thing I wanted to discuss about considering this is one of my good days. My heart and stomach begins to hurt. Everything begins to hurt considering this is a part of my past that I have tried to move on from, but here and there will pop up to remind me of everything I once had, but suddenly lost.