Because I Had You// Book #2 (Shawn Mendes FanFic)

Because I Had You: Shawn

One thing I've had to learn is that sometimes you're gonna have to make your own light. Though we can't see it travel past our eyes or watch it move from one place to another, we all know where it belongs. As I'm walking out to the stage and just hearing crowds of fans cheering and yelling, they all become my flashlight. My world, my mind, my heart is so dark right now. I feel constant aching in my chest, and my body is uncontrollably shaking. I don't really know how I'm gonna heal or how I'm gonna move past this, but I know I need to start somewhere, and this stage and song is a great place to start. I'm not really sure what is waiting for me outside this circle I'm stuck in, but I'm sure it's a world Kinsley has been waiting to explore. She's been waiting for a lot of things. I think the most thing she's been waiting for is for someone to hear and love her the same way, when I told her I wanted to go, I thought I knew what I wanted, but I made it clear that I didn't know myself at all. Now she's somewhere where I can't be, but I can tell that she's happy. I hope one say when we see each other again if what we have is still together and that it's not gone forever. I know eventually I'm gonna have to find someone new, and take her everywhere that Kinsley loved and see if she loves it even more, and hopefully she'll help me forget, but all I know is I'll never love her the same because I had Kinsley. All of this is so overwhelming and just heart wrenching for me to even think about. I just wish life wasn't a thief and left people without choices when it came to death. People don't have a say when or how they die. That. Is. Just. So. Unfair.
"Hey." Sophie waved her hand in my face catching me out of my thoughts. I was standing on the side of the stage just staring at the crowd. I didn't even realize I stopped walking.
"You alright?" She questioned.
"Yeah, just thinking." I mumbled.
"You don't have to go out there you know. No one is forcing you, and no one is gonna be mad at you if you don't go out there." She explained.
"I know, but I have too." I sighed and made myself stand up straight.
"I know this is what she would've wanted." I gave myself a small side smile just thinking about her standing right next to me and shoving me onto the stage because the anticipation would have been killing her.
"I haven't seen that from you in a while." She added.
"What? This?" I looked over both side of my shoulders and then back at her giving her a big fake smile.
"Oh dear." She placed her hand over her mouth cracking a small laugh. I smiled along with her.
"You ready?" I felt an arm wrap around my shoulder as Luke stood right next to me. Philip walked and placed himself right next to Sophie.
"A lot of people out their mate." His eyes widen.
"I've had bigger crowds." I joked.
"Well excuse the hell out of me." Luke pretended to sound offended.
"You should make your first time on stage since a long time the scene from pitch perfect." Luke suggested.
"You mean when she throws up all over everyone eh?" Philip asked.
"Yep that's the one." Luke pointed.
"Both of you are sick." Sophie giggled.
"You have to always expect the worse." Luke clapped his hands trying to make a point.
"Mmmm, I think you're the only one who does that." I added.
"Fair enough." Luke shrugged.
"You guys wonder what Kinsley would be saying right now?" Luke sighed.
"I don't wonder, I know what she would be saying." Philip let out a small laugh.
"She would just call you guys dorks." Sophie smiled.
"She always called the both of you that." She rolled her eyes. I liked how Sophie was remembering the good in Kinsley. When they were talking about her, I didn't feel sad instead I felt happy. I felt her energy, they remembered the good she brought. Even though she struggled a lot, she still managed to leave memories that aren't painful to talk about.
"Get out there mate." I glanced over to Philip as he had his arms crossed in front of him.
"She's waiting for you." His final words sank into my heart. I knew she was in the last row of the whole crowd off on her own because that's when she knew everything the best. When she was on her own. Every single one of them gave me a small hug as I walked and grabbed my electric guitar. The whole stage was black and the moment I walked out, the spotlight hit me and the crowd roared. I didn't want a whole new entrance, I just wanted to walk out with a brave face and not let everyone think I was emotional and vulnerable person at the moment because of my recent loss. I walked to the center of the stage as I sat down on the stool that was placed for me in front of my mic and stand. I sat down and situated everything to my liking.
"How is uh, how is everyone doing tonight?" I questioned as the only response I was hearing was screams.
"Good good." I smiled looking at the thousands of people all here just for me, but they don't really know that they're actually here for Kinsley.
"I just wanted to know if it would be alright if I started off tonight with me and just the guitar?" I asked as everyone yelled once more. The song that I had wrote for Kinsley, I wanted it to be something that was just me and the guitar. I didn't want a lot going on in the background simply because I wanted everyone to hear the lyrics not the music in the background. Luke gave me a great idea that I decided to take on when writing this song for my beautiful girl. What the lyrics say aren't always what they mean. "You're with somebody I can't be" is a reference to she's in a better place in which I haven't arrived, but I know she's happier there. I just hope the message is loud and clear for everyone.
"I'm sure you guys know, I've been through a lot these past couple of days, but the amount of love and support I am receiving is absolutely breathtaking." I felt my eyes begin to water, I also knew everyone could probably notice.
"So just bear with me." I swallowed deep then looking down at my electric guitar.
"I think it's time that I be honest." I slowly started to sing beginning to pick my guitar.
"I Should've told you not to go." I sang remembering the night she came to apologize for everything she has done, and I told her just to leave because I couldnt help or bare the pain myself.
"Thought I knew just what I wanted
I didn't know myself at all
You're with somebody I can't be, yeah
But I can tell that you're happy." I looked up noticing I didn't see anyone, but Kinsley in the very very back of the stadium.
"It's time for me to finally meet somebody new
Take her to all the places that I took us to
And she might help me forget, but loving her is something I could never do
Because I had
Because I had you." My heart became heavy, my breathing became harder to control. All of a sudden every lyric I sang was everything I had in the story of Kinsley and I.
"Hey, remember when I told you
That you and I, we'd go down in history together, yeah
And does your sister ask about me?" I thought about her and Sophie always together, and how I always knew they were suppose to be sisters, and they always treated one another like they were.
"You and I, what we had, is it gone forever?" The image of her laying lifeless in my arms sat in my head.
"You're with somebody I can't be
But I can tell that you're happy

It's time for me to finally meet somebody new
Take her to all the places that I took us to
And she might help me forget, but loving her is something I could never do
Because I had
Because I had you

There's nothin', oh
There's nothin' left to lose
Because I had you, babe
There's nothin'
Nothin' that I could do
I wish I had you

I think it's time I finally found somebody new
And tell myself that she's the one to get me through
And she might help me forget that loving her is something I just couldn't do
Because I had you." My heart broke like glass, tears came pouring down my face. I thought I was ready to perform and sing for the world, but I fooled myself. Without even listening or thinking of the crowds reaction when the song was over, I placed my electric guitar down, moved my shirt to my face to wipe away the constant tears coming from my face, and started to walk off stage. I can't continue the show. I can't. My baby, my love, my forever is gone. She's gone forever. There's no point in this for me anymore. There's no point for music, there's no point in dedicating my time into something when my mind and heart are in two different places. This isn't living anymore. This is just the devils way to remind you not everything is guaranteed. Not everything is meant to last forever.