Because I Had You// Book #2 (Shawn Mendes FanFic)

Because I Had You: Kinsley

I always say this, life has just a weird way of showing the good and bad things. It almost reminds me like an ocean wave. Everything builds up. All the chaos, wind, and strength forms into one and eventually just crashes at a low point. We all have low points in our lives, some more dramatic than others, but it all needs to certain moment that we tend to cherish and remember for the rest of our lives. I don't think I'll ever really move on from what I did, but I definitely can learn to overlook them. I guess having dinner didn't turn out as bad as I thought it was gonna be. What Shawn did, and showed me was something I never thought I would get from him since I hurt him. I'm a person with flaws. I'm just flawed, and he overlooks it and just looks, and tells me he loves me. I've never heard those three words come from his mouth before, so hearing them now I was absolutely speechless. Because the truth is. I love him. And I've always loved him, and I never stopped. He was always mine, it just took me awhile to get on the right track to fix it.
We were laying down on my bed just looking at one another. I could do this all day. I could just sit and lay with him, not say a single thing to him and still fall more and more in love with him. I wouldn't want it any other way. I didn't have to worry about the judgement of the rest of the world. It was just me and him, and that's the best feeling in the world. I was running my fingers through his hair and he loved it, and I loved doing it for him.
"Why are you perfect?" I whispered to him as he wouldn't take his eyes off of mine. I meant it. I meant it from the bottom of my heart. I don't deserve him, he deserves someone better than me, but yet he still comes to me, and I won't mess or let him go this time.
"It takes practice." He whispered back.
"Wow." I laughed as he did too.
"I'm just kidding." He smiled. His smile just takes me to another world.
"Wanna know something I think about all the time?" I asked.
"Tell me. Tell me everything." He responded.
"When I first started physical therapy and my helper person, I forgot what they were called, but when she took my cane and asked me to take a step I completely fell." I finished.
"Are you okay?" Shawn looked interested but also just concerned. He didn't like hearing that.
"I'm okay, I'm telling you this because that's when I remember my change was real, and it needed to happen you know?" I was being honest with him. I think about that moment all the time because when I fell that's when I needed the most help, and I think if it wasn't for that then change would've never hit me as strong as it did.
"We all fall before we have to stand back up again." Shawn added.
"Cliché." I quickly said.
"I know right?" We both let out small laughs again. Everything was natural, and real. Everything how it should've been, and it will always and forever will stay.
"Can I ask you something?" I questioned as he nodded.
"Be honest. I won't be mad at you. I need you to trust me when I say that."
"I do trust you, and I'll be honest." Shawn reached for hand and held it in his close moving close to his chest.
"Were you ever with anyone else after me?" I was curious. I didn't want to make him uncomfortable, but I couldn't help but to wonder.
"No. I was really focused on my music and touring. I didn't really pay attention or try to have anything. When it comes it comes." He explained.
"I also felt like I couldn't." He added again.
"Why?" I whispered giving him my full attention.
"Because I was never really over you. How can you move on when you never stopped loving the first person?" His words melted my heart. It just kills me more that I should've fought for him more and tell him he was mine. But I didn't. And for two years he was alone. I leaned giving him a soft kiss and then laying my head back down.
"I stopped talking to Matthew." I finally spoke. I never answered his question at the table. He needed an honest answer, and he needed closure. After everything I have done, that's what he deserved.
"The night you told me you couldn't be with me until I loved myself, he came to me asking to give him a chance, and I told him no." I was scared to even think was Shawn was thinking, but deserved to know everything.
"And then I avoided him with everything I did. I moved out of the house because that was just a dark place, and moved here. I rehired new staff, and did nothing but work on me and only me. When I saw him the other day, I was just as surprised as you were. I don't know why he's here, I don't know what he wants, but I know where I am and I know what I want. He will always have a place in my heart because he was my best friend for a really long time, but I couldn't love him the way I love you, and I need you to believe me when I say that." I felt the tears building up in my eyes. All I wanted was for him to trust me and believe me that I wouldn't hurt him the way I did before. A small tear left my eye as he reached to wipe it.
"I'm sorry Shawn." I felt like I had to tell him every chance that I got. I felt like I had too because I was. I was so so sorry. I was so sorry for just everything. And there's a difference between feeling it and just saying it, but I felt it. I felt so deeply in my heart.
"Hey I'm not mad at anymore." He whispered.
"We all grow. Hell, I wasn't perfect either. You saw the mess I was in, and you still managed to stay through the chaos. I'm flawed too. I'm so so so extremely flawed Kinsley, and you still look at me like I'm the most perfect person in the world, and that look is something I can't even explain because that's how special it is to me." I let out a deep breath as I scooted close to him as he wrapped me in his arms. His warmth and strength was everything I needed. My body fit right in his hands, and his body hit right in mine, and this time I wasn't letting that go. Not anymore, not ever, not ever again.