Because I Had You// Book #2 (Shawn Mendes FanFic)

Because I Had You: Kinsley

"Three, wait no two. Two times this week I've thought about my past. Which to me is a huge improvement because it use to be every single god damn day." I rolled my eyes annoyed how I use to be.
"If I'm being honest, I'm trying really hard to just send positive vibes because you know what you give to the world eventually comes back to you, you know?" My therapist nodded her head with my statement. This women has probably been the best thing I've ever gained in this whole life of mine. Her patience is exceptional, and she doesn't judge me or question me. She just listens, laughs, and cries with me. Almost like a mother, which I never had.
"You like what the world gives you?" She asked as her hands were folded in her lap.
"I do. I really do. The world can be bad, but our time hear is limited. So why waste it thinking about all the what ifs and not embrace the what will be." I smiled to myself knowing two years ago Kinsley would've never thought of something this hopeful.
"That's right. You're correct, so when you say embrace what will be, what are you thinking of the next what will be in your life?"
"Oh my birthday." I quickly added smiling.
"I'm gonna be 21!" I threw my hands in the air not believing I'm gonna be the age everyone raves about.
"What do you plan on doing on your 21st birthday?"
"Well my best friend is gonna throw me a party at my label, so we'll see. I just don't want anything too big." My eyes widen.
"Why not?"
"I just need to see everyone. I just need to be aware. I feel like I've been that way since my dad died. You never know who people are or how they can act, so I just don't want anything too big." I was being completely honest with her, and it felt good to just talk and express everything without fighting my emotions.
"Also, I need to tell you something." I bit the bottom of my lip.
"I saw Shawn about a week in a half ago."
"And?" My therapist took her glasses off and gave me her full attention.
"It was actually good. Like I felt guilty, but something was just different. He just looked so handsome, and just so much more mature." I smiled to myself remembering how his eyes lit up the room and his smile took my breath away. His body was just innocent, and he was just mine. I just wish I could've ran and just hugged him and held him their forever, but I lost everything. I really did.
"His smile is just so breath taking, and you know he's like really strong and built so that definitely makes me head over heels for him." We both started to laugh.
"Like I just saw him, and I thought how did I turn my back and hurt this amazing guy. Like all I want to do is just protect him and have him, and after all these years I expected to feel different, but I didn't. I felt like I saw him again and everything happened all over again." I smiled to myself just thinking about him.
"How do you think he feels?"
"Probably hates my guts. Wants nothing to do with me. To be honest, he has every right too. He's way too good for me, but I'm just gonna say this out loud, I know no other girl will love him the way that I did or know him the way I did. He's just so precious and just so so perfect. I could never be good enough for him. Not anymore." I nodded agreeing with myself. I need to own up for everything I did. I can't hurt him again. He doesn't deserve to be hurt.
"True, but you're not the one who can make that call. Only he can." Her words got me thinking deep and hard. She had a point, I don't know what Shawn was thinking. I didn't know how he felt. I only knew how I felt.
"You think I'm a bad person?" I bit the bottom of my lip waiting for my therapist answer. She just looked at me for a second and shook her head.
"No. I've met a lot of bad people, and you don't even have the qualifications to even be one." She replied.
"I think you're too hard on yourself. I really do. I feel like you try really hard to make sure others are okay that you forget about yourself, and that's not a bad thing at all, but you need to focus on yourself sometimes. Yes, you have been to therapy and physical therapy and training yourself on your thoughts, but sometimes I know you can get in your head, and that's the worse place you can be at sometimes." Those very last words that came out of her mouth shot me right in the heart. I felt like knives just hit me hard because Shawn told me those words, and those are the words that I literally live by everyday.
"Right. Sometimes the worse place you can be is in your own mind." I mumbled to myself.
"Follow your heart Kinsley. That's the one piece that every person has that never lies to them."
"I try, sometimes it just gets hard."
"Of course. No one likes it when they have to infer what their movements might cause to someone else." She explained.
"Yeah. I guess." I felt hesitant and not really sure what she was asking for me to do.
"I think you know what you want, and I think you've known what you want, but you've just been giving yourself time, but remember time isn't guaranteed. So go for it. Run for it. Grab it. You don't have to see the whole staircase in order for you to take the first step." She winked at me while closing her notebook and clicking her pen signaling the end of our session.