Because I Had You// Book #2 (Shawn Mendes FanFic)

Because I Had You: Shawn

I sat in my recording room just staring at everything that helped create who I am. All my guitars, pianos, microphones, everything. I didn't know if music was something I wanted to keep doing anymore. I had my whole life in my hands, now after everything. I really see how fragile life is.
"Hey." Sophie opened my door as she had two coffees in her hand.
"You need to eat or drink something. Do it for me." She begged. Without hesitating I reached for the coffee and started to drink it slowly. She sat right next to me on the couch and I could feel that she felt different.
"Luke and Philip were able to arrange you a show tomorrow night, but if you're still no ready they can cancel it without a doubt." She explained.
"I think this is gonna be my last show." I sighed.
"What?" She responded with confusion.
"I think I'm done with music after this." I added.
"Shawn-"
"I'm serious." I quickly interrupted her.
"Shawn look at me." She stood up straight and placed her coffee cup down. I couldn't though. I knew when I would look at her in the eyes the tears were gonna start pouring down again.
"Shawn." She placed her hand on my cheek as she guided my face to finally have me lock eyes with her.
"Kinsley does not want you to do that. That's not what she wants you to do at all." I bit the bottom of my lip holding in my tears.
"It still fucking hurts." I let out a heavy breath and she pulled me into a hug.
"Trust me, I know this feeling." She whispered.
"I lost my fiancé too, so I understand. I really do." She added.
"But I was thinking, maybe I want to help produce or help other people make music."
"Don't do things because you're sad. I've heard when you're sad you miss out on a lot. I know you love her, and I know both of you never stopped loving one another, but look how sad she was. She was so so so sad for such a long time that she never got to live a life she fully deserved. Think about that." She made a great point. I knew where she was coming from. I feel I am making decisions because I am sad, I'm so broken right now. People use the word broken all the time, but do they actually know what it feels like? No. They don't. A loss like this makes you feel like you can't even breathe anymore. A loss like this makes you question everything that you have done in life. It all comes back to purpose. Maybe it was good for Kinsley die. I hate even thinking that, but I know and Sophie knew that she was never really happy. She was always living in constant pain, no matter how hard she tried to forget everything and become a new person, the past never goes away. That's one of the shittiest things about memories, they're meant to stay.
"Mendes." My door open as my stage manger popped his head through.
"You're on in five." I nodded as he turned and closed the door. Sophie stood up and placed her hand out for me to reach it. I grabbed as she lifted me on my feet.
"Last time, do it for her." She whispered as I nodded. I followed her out the door as I was immediately stopped by the last person who I hoped to never lay my eyes on again.
"Shawn." Sophie paused with me as my eyes locked to Adam's.
"I need to talk to you." He had a cloud over him, he had darkness in his eyes. Guilt is what I would call it.
"He doesn't want to talk to you." Sophie stepped in front of me.
"He's been through the worse out of everyone here, lets respect that shall we?" She crossed her arms in front of her.
"Sophie." I whispered as she turned around.
"It's okay." I whispered again as she sighed.
"Go wait for me over there." She bit the bottom of her lip the same way Kinsley did and walked to the end of the hallway and waited.
"Shawn, I don't even know what to say. You haven't answered or haven't gotten back to me-"
"Why would I?" I quickly interrupted.
"What?" He was stunned by my response.
"Why would I get back to you? You don't deserve anything from me." I clenched my fists together.
"Please, I take responsibility for all of this. For everything-"
"No. You didn't do anything. It was a freak accident." I looked down reliving her death in my arms.
"But you should take responsibility for making her leave. You don't know it, but it's true, it's your feelings not mine or anyone else. YOURS. We talked about this. We talked, and that's what I keep thinking about because we literally talked about this, and I literally trusted you." He remained frozen. He was speechless. As he should be.
"It was my fault thinking you actually cared about my decision making in life. Now I have to live with death in my hands, and you have to live with guilt. As you should." I explained beginning to turn and walk away.
"Shawn, I need to talk. Let me just explain-"
"Have you heard the quote actions speak louder than words?" I snapped.
"Have you?" I felt my voice getting angry.
"Yeah." He placed his hands in his pocket.
"That's the perfect definition of you Adam. I have a song to sing."
"Shawn, please just take a deep breath and talk to me."
"I already did talk to you Adam, and this is the last time I ever will. Good luck with whatever you do next. Tell Jordan the same thing too, I don't ever want to see you again-"
"Shawn-"
"Ever." I snapped.
"Goodbye." Without even looking at him in the eyes, I turned and walked down the hallway to meet Sophie as I knew she heard the whole thing.
"You're strong Shawn." She gave me a small pat on my back.
"I'm trying. I really am trying." I added as I made my way outside and entered the back of the stage possibly giving my last performance ever.