Because I Had You// Book #2 (Shawn Mendes FanFic)

Because I Had You: Kinsley

Shawn was just the most handsome person I know and ever laid my eyes on. I see why every girl fan girls over him, it was just insane how handsome he was. A part of me felt like he didn't even know how amazing he was. He looked so content coming inside to where for me I was a hot mess. I was wreck. I felt like passing out because I was so sick to my stomach. I felt like I was gonna freeze at any moment and barf because that's how nervous I was. I cooked some chicken, grilled vegetables, and steamed some rice. Everything I looked up an hour before he got here. "Easy things to make in 30 minutes." This caught my eye, and I don't think it turned out too bad. I try to cook, but half of the time I either burn what I'm making it, let it boil too long, or don't even use the right ingredients I walked to grab some plates, and I couldn't help but notice how helpful he was. He shredded the chicken and tasted the vegetables and noticed it lacked salt and fixed it himself. Embarrassing from me, but I didn't even know Shawn knew to cook or had a finger for it. I already had the table set up and placed our food on both plates. Shawn walked to the little round table had by my sliding glass door that showed the view of some of the city. At night it looks the best. The lights everywhere it's almost like you're just looking at the stars above, but even closer.
"Do you want wine?" I asked as he sat down in the chair across from where I would be sitting.
"Wine sounds nice." He smiled. I walked to my wine rack grabbing red wine. Now, Sophie bought this for me as birthday gift. All her favorite wines, the only problem is I've never actually opened one before, but I couldn't embarrass myself in front of Shawn. I walked back to the counter and grabbed a wine opener. I saw him watching him, and I felt the pressure.
"Do you like red wine?" I questioned as he nodded. I screwed in the opener and attempted to yank it but my hand slipped making me catch the bottle before I fell and shattered everywhere.
"Do you need help?" Shawn stood up.
"No I'm good. My hands are still yet. Let me just dry them real quick." I lied. I grabbed the towel pretending to dry my hands. I grabbed on the opener tighter this time and yanked it, but I yanked it so hard that the cork flew right for my head making me duck. It hit the cabinet and landed right on the back of my head.
"Are you okay Kinsley?" Shawn asked with deep concerned. I wanted to fly to Canada and change my identity. I was so embarrassed, and I'm not surprised something like this would happen to me.
"I'm great." I gave a cheesy smile pouring the wine into the glass hoping this would just pass. I walked placing both glasses down as I sat down. I saw it on Shawn's face. He wanted to laugh, and painfully. I did too.
"Go ahead." I sighed as he chuckled to himself.
"You've never opened one before have you?" He smiled.
"Nope. Never." I nodded accepting defeat.
"Next time just ask me. I'll do it."
"I know. I know. Lesson learned." I rolled my eyes.
"So I see three of your singles went platinum this year." I started conversation. One of his singles being a song about me, and he knew it too.
"Yeah, they did. It's really exciting." He added.
"Is Adam your new manager?" I questioned remembering the pain of his last one.
"Yes. He does a really good job at it. I love that guy." Him and Shawn had always had a great relationship.
"He's actually getting married." My eyes widen.
"Oh wow. Well congratulations to him." I smiled.
"He has his whole life planned out. I'm really happy for him." Shawn answered.
"What about you though? How are you?" Neither one of us were really touching our food. I think both of us had a lot to say, but didn't want to make one another uncomfortable.
"I'm good. I'm stable."
"You go to therapy?" He asked.
"I do. I go to physical therapy once a month, and then I see my therapist twice a week." I didn't like saying that. I felt weak almost like I needed someone to help me.
"Do you like your therapist?" I was scared to know what Shawn was thinking. He probably thought I was mentally unstable.
"I do. She's amazing. You would really like her." I instantly started to feel shaky. I felt like I was being judged. I also felt my mood shift. Everything I did in the past and to him seemed to reappear in my head by the questions he was asking.
"I see my dad all the time now. It's really nice. I feel like he's always here." For some reason I found myself having to control my breathing.
"He's proud of you. He always has been." Shawn smiled. I think he noticed my change in behavior. I didn't like how I was easy to read either.
"I've changed a lot of the label for him. Before he died, I knew he wanted to rearrange it. So I hope he likes it." I responded.
"Do you still see Matthew?" The one question I knew. I knew he was gonna ask. I knew he was waiting to ask finally came up. I swallowed deep and the emotions in me felt like a little kid who was called out for being bad by a teacher in front of the whole class.
"What?" I hesitated. I grabbed my hands together under the table beginning to mess with them.
"Do you?" I couldn't read if he was irritated, upset, or just calm.
"No. The other day was the first time since-" I paused.
"Since-" I couldn't get myself to finish the sentence.
"Yeah. I know what you're talking about." He sounded sad, and right there I knew this was too much for me. He can't have me. He doesn't deserve this. I placed my hand over my mouth feeling the tears begins to build up.
"Kinsley, that's not what I meant-"
"No." I stopped him as he looked hurt. He didn't mean to kill the mood. This was me. How I'm feeling, what I've done. This is all me. He has nothing to apologize for. I finally accepted to responsible for my own actions and I am. That's the only way I can grow up and learn.
"It's probably best you should go." My eyes were watering and I was trying hard to make sure no tears slipped from my eyes.
"Look. I wasn't trying-" I reached for his hands.
"I know. I know Shawn." I understand. I know his intentions.
"But I'm asking for you to go. Please." He just stared at me and I knew he didn't want to leave, but he respected me and always respected me when I asked for something. So he stood up placing his napkin down and walked for the door. I didn't want to watch him leave. It was just gonna eat me alive, so I stood up and walked for my room. I stopped in front of my big window placing my fist over my mouth finally letting the tears just come out. What have I done? Why? Just why could I have hurt someone like him and never attempted to fight for him more. I didn't fight. I just accepted him leaving, and he probably wanted me to fight to get him back, and I just left it. I just fucking left it. I don't think I could ever forgive myself. I just don't think I can.