Because I Had You// Book #2 (Shawn Mendes FanFic)

Because I Had You: Shawn

I didn't mean to upset Kinsley. When I asked that question, I was genuinely curious. I know she wouldn't make the same mistake twice. I saw it in her, and I knew that. But I should've been more thoughtful. I should've known that was gonna upset her. What killed me more was how she handled it. She was trying really hard to be strong. She was. She didn't freak out, and the fact she was trying to hide and beat the emotions killed me because I left her and she had to learn to do that on her own instead of someone motivating her. That's when it hit me, I messed up. I should've never told her to go. I should've never told her to leave. I was me, I loved who I was with her. It was all because I had her. I'm a monster. I just left. That's not how I was raised. As I walked straight for the door my hand stopped the moment it reached for the handle. I couldn't leave. I couldn't walk out. I did once, and the moment I laid my eyes on her again, I told myself I wasn't gonna do it again. I was tired of fighting and just seeing where this was gonna go. I make my own decisions and my own future, and I wanted her in it. I wanted her. I needed her, and I love her. God, I fucking love her. I should've told her sooner. I should've just told her, that's all she needed was someone to love her back the way she loved them, and I let her down by not letting her know that. I turned around and saw she wasn't at the table. I walked slowly to her room which was the only room she had in her place. I saw she was looking out the window with her hand balled in a fist over her mouth and she was just crying. I was tired of seeing her crying. She didn't need her whole life to be crying. She deserved to feel special and wanted. She deserved to be loved, and the only person who could do that was me. I was the only man for her. That was just it. She didn't notice me come in as I walked behind her wrapping my arms over her. I felt her arms rest on mine. It was the exact moment and feeling when we danced at her party. I rested my chin on her shoulder as I heard her sniffing trying hard to keep herself together.
"Hey." I whispered.
"Hey. Look at me." I whispered again pulling back and turning her around. She locked her eyes to mine as I moved my hand to her cheek wiping the tears from her eyes. 
"Shawn I'm sorry." She finally let out.
"I'm so so sorry." Her tears began to pour out again and my stomach fell in a whirlpool.
"I'm so so so sorry." I felt my eyes begin to water. Everything I had with her I knew never left. It never fucking left. It was with me the whole time. It was my heart the whole time, and now. Now I don't care anymore. I don't care what she did, I know she won't do it again. I wanted her in my arms forever. At this moment. At this moment. I wasn't gonna let her go. My heart needed her, and I'm getting so emotional right now because I can't believe I let it go for this long. I let her feel this way for so long.
"It's okay." I finally answered her back, but she shook her head in denial.
"No. It's not. You don't deserve me-"
"Kinsley. It's okay." I cupped my hands on both sides of her cheek as I felt the tears slowly fall from my eyes. I knew she meant it, and I knew she was gonna feel guilt and denial probably her whole life, but I'm willing to tell her everyday she's okay for the rest of my life if I have too.
"No-"
"It's okay." She just stared at me.
"I'm not mad. I've never been mad." I meant it. I was gonna tell her the truth. I was gonna tell her everything.
"I shouldn't have left. I should've fucking stayed and help-"
"I didn't need you save me-"
"But I could've been standing right by as you were saving yourself. And I didn't." I quickly added.
"That's the problem. I messed up, and I deserved it. So thank you for leaving because you taught me to grow up, and I'm sorry it had for me to hurt you to realize that." I wanted to turn and punch a wall. I hated her taking blame on herself. This was on me. I left her. This was all my fault. I don't think I can ever forgive myself.
"I'm so sorry." She began to cry again as I pulled her into a hug. She squeezed on my shirt and the feeling of her digging her fingers into my back killed me more because she was in pain. She was in so much god damn pain.
"I love you." I spoke as she pulled away just looking at me not believing me what I just said.
"What?" She sniffed her nose.
"I love you Kinsley." She blinked a couple of times.
"But-"
"No. I love you, I love you so much." She placed her hand on the side of my cheek this time wiping the tears from my eyes.
"I'm sorry I didn't tell you before. I'm so sorry I was just late on everything." She let out a smile as she wrapped her arms around me neck leaning and finally placing her lips to mine. I slid my hands up her back pressing her to me. I wasn't letting her go. Not this time, I'm done fighting myself on this. She's mine, and I've accepted it. And I love it.
"I love you." She whispered slowly pulling away. I didn't want her pulling away so I placed my hand in the back of her head gently pulling her into me again. I bent down grabbing her completely and lifting her up to where she crossed her legs around my hips. I walked laying her on her bed. I just stared at her. I stared at how beautiful she was and how beautiful she always has been. Then that's when it hit me, that it's not about the loss, it's about the love, and I should've held onto our love the moment when things fell apart.