Because I Had You// Book #2 (Shawn Mendes FanFic)

Because I Had You: Kinsley

"Get your shit together Kinsley. Get your shit together Kinsley. Get your shit together." I kept smacking my face on my desk in my office trying to get a grip of myself. I have been off the edge of my seat. It's just so hard now. Shawn just doesn't deserve me. He's too good for me.
"Philip, why didn't you try to tell me about this deal?" He dropped his phone from his eyes and gave me an evil glare.
"I tried like 10 times!" He snapped.
"Well you didn't try hard enough." I snapped.
"Unbelievable." He rolled his eyes.
"Love, why are you so uneasy about this deal? Something's gotta be going on eh?" Philip suspected something, but I couldn't let him know. I couldn't let anyone know anything. The only person that does is Sophie, and I wanted to keep it that way.
"He's just a big artist you know? He's had an amazing year, so I don't want anyone to suspect anything." I lied.
"You make a great point. Your approval does matter, so I just wanna make sure you're okay." I nodded towards his comment.
"I'm always okay." I smiled.
"You're like the most positive and happiest person I know, so I believe you." Hearing him say those words really warmed my heart. Who know I could get a comment like this?
"Well I gotta head upstairs, I'll see you at your birthday party tomorrow!" He walked himself out of my office as it was just me and everything else. I needed to head off to to see my therapist. She knows what to do, and how she can help me. Like 100% sure.

"How come you're not talkative today?" She folded her hands together staring at me.
"I feel like I've been really stressed, and I'm just really lost in thought." I mumbled.
"What happened today?"
"You know I just wanna get ready for my party." I gave her an uncomfortable smile. I really didn't feel like talking about this today, and usually I would, but today is just different.
"There's gonna be a dance floor and everything. Of course drinks, but I don't care that much for alcohol. It's like nasty or something." I gave a small sour face as she cracked a small laugh towards me.
"I like pink champagne. Have you ever had that before?" She questioned.
"No. I've had champagne, but not pink. One time when I was ten, my dad took us on a cruise and he gave me glass in our room and we both drank it, and what I remember from it was that it was bitter." I nodded reliving that moment in my head.
"Usually when they give you alcohol in like hotel rooms, they usually aren't the best ones, but at least you tried it." Today, she didn't have her glasses or her notebook. She just brought herself, and it does make me wonder what the reason was for.
"Before my husband died, he use to own LA's bar downtown."
"Wait, that was your bar?" I questioned in excitement as she nodded.
"That was my dad's favorite hang out place with all his co workers!" I felt like jumping from seat, it just always seems like a small world when you actually take the time to see the people and know the people that are in it, but then it also hit me. She lost someone very special in her life too.
"He built the building and everything, me and my son take care of it now. He's actually engaged right now." She smiled.
"Does he still help you out?" I questioned intrigued by getting to know her more.
"Not as much, he's doing big stuff right now in the music industry and being a manager and everything, but we talk everyday. It's a really good life." She gave such a warm and welcoming smile.
"May I ask how your husband passed away?" I gave her a tone to where if she didn't want to let me know, I would have understood.
"Cancer. He was in remission for seven years, but one night he stood up to go use the restroom and passed out. That's when we found out he had stage four leukemia. He fought and fought, and will always be the strongest man I know."
"I'm so so sorry for your loss." I felt like tears were coming. It's so sad to think that one minute you're with someone, and the next minute you're not. It just goes to show time isn't guaranteed.
"It's rough. We've been together since high school, so 32 years, but you wanna know what I learned about all of this and what I went through Kinsley?" She stood up straight, and I knew she was about to tell me the best peace of advice she'll ever give me considering it's coming from HER own experience.
"That you can't blame yourself for what you lose in life." I just stood there. Listening. Thinking about her words.
"No matter what, your life is planned out. You're gonna lose people, we aren't met to be here forever. The only thing we're ever in charge of is how we deal, behave, and manage ourselves with those people. So when you lose someone, yeah go ahead, hate yourself, but don't blame yourself because of their choice of life. That's what was meant to happen. It's all for a reason. You just gotta be willing to open your eyes, and see it."
"Sometimes I just feel like blaming myself is easier." I sighed biting the bottom of my lip.
"We do things because that's what we're comfortable doing. That's why people don't like change, simply because it's not something their comfortable with. Don't stick to it because that's what you're comfortable with because eventually we start to become unhappy and lose who we are without even recognizing it." Her constant use of comfortable really filtered through my head. People like routine, and people prefer routine, but sometimes routine can be so boring or hurtful that you miss out on all the other factors from the outside that even make your routine possible.
"Do you think I do things because I'm comfortable with it?" I questioned.
"No. You're trying to help yourself, but you need to take the time to believe it. YOU need to do that on your own, it's just a matter of time when." She as right. It was just a matter of time.