Inevitable

Chapter 65

I was too shocked by what Pete had said to answer his question. I felt blind-sided. Henry wrote songs about our breakup? And he didn't feel the need to tell me about it. I must have had a look of surprise on my face because Pete looked like he regretted blurting out this new information.

"Shit you didn't know. I'm sorry. I figured he would have told you. I mean, it's those songs that got us a meeting with a music agent in the first place. Why wouldn't he tell you that? Just forget I ever said anything. Damn."

He stood up and walked back over to his drum set. I sat there trying to wrap my head around what I just found out. Henry came back down with two water bottles. He sat down and because I had the worst poker face, he knew something was wrong immediately.

"What's a matter? You have a deer in headlights face going on."

"Pete was just telling me about the new songs you wrote."

His eyes got wide. He grabbed my hand and pulled me off the couch and up the stairs. He stopped when we reached the small kitchen in the back of the house.

"I'm sorry Em. I know I should have told you sooner that I wrote some music about us but I'm a fucking coward. I know you are a private person and you hate attention so I knew this would bother you. And I just wanted this week to be perfect."

"Pete said that these new songs are what got you your meeting with the music agent. You can't just put our business out there like that without talking to me first. I feel....exposed. Our break up was one of the hardest things I've ever gone through in my life. And now the whole world is going to know all about it."

"Please Em, let me explain. I told you before that I'm constantly writing about whatever is going on in my life. When you broke up with me, all I could write about was you. Every thought I had was about you. Eventually, I realized that what I was writing was starting to look like songs. And it kind of became a way for me to deal with the pain. I originally hadn't plan on playing them for the guys and just keeping it to myself but Pete overheard me one day. He said it was too good to keep to myself and he convinced me to share what I wrote with the rest of the group. We started playing some of them at our shows. Except the show you came to last week. I was afraid of your reaction so I convinced the guys to stick to covers that night. I should have told you sooner. Given you a chance to get used to the idea before Pete dropped the bomb on you. Fucking Pete!"

I stood there quietly for a minute staring at the floor. It was a lot to process. I was glad Henry had found an outlet for his pain but I hated that it was in such a public fashion. I wanted to crawl into a hole and disappear. He wrapped one arm around my waist and tipped my chin up with his other hand forcing me to look into his eyes.

"Just come listen to a few of the songs. If it's making you really uncomfortable, we can leave. I'm really sorry. I handled this all wrong and you have every right to be pissed."

"Okay, I'll listen. I just wish you would have given me a heads up."

"I know. I told you. I'm a fucking coward."

"That's not an excuse."

He pulled me in for a hug and I melted into him. It was impossible to stay mad at him for long. I let him lead me back down the basement and the atmosphere had turned a little more tense. I guess Pete had informed the other guys about what happened. Henry sat me back down on the couch and kissed the top of my head before walking back over to everyone else. I hated this feeling. The night had become about me and my reaction to what I was about to hear and it made me want to run away.
    They quickly tuned their instruments again. When they started to play a song, I was surprised to hear that it was a slow song and the focus was on Henry's guitar playing while the other instruments were more background noise. And then Henry started singing.

All I Want by Kodaline

"All I want is nothing more
Than to hear you knocking on my door.
If I could see your face once more
I'd die a happy man I'm sure.

When you said your last goodbye
I died a little bit inside.
I lay in tears in bed at night
Alone without you by my side.

But if you loved me
Why did you leave me.
All I want is all I need
To find somebody
I'll find somebody.

Cause you brought out the best in me
A part of me I've never seen.
You took my soul and wiped it clean
Our love was made for movie screens.

But if you loved me
Why'd you leave me.
All I want is
And all I need is
To find somebody
I'll find somebody"

When the song ended, I felt tears flowing down my face. It was so beautiful and so tragic. And it was so much of what I felt too after things ended. I needed some air. I jumped up and ran up the steps. I could hear Henry follow me. I didn't stop till I was out the front door and I felt the night air hit my face. I buried my face in my hands and let myself break down. I felt strong arms wrap around me and I was crushed against Henry's chest. He held me while I let all my emotions flow out of me. When I finally calmed down a little, I lifted my head to look up at him. He had tears in his eyes as well.

"I can't go back in there Henry. I'm a mess."

"Okay. The guys understand. Let me just let them know and I'll grab our stuff. Will you be Okay out here for a few minutes by yourself?"

I nodded my head and he walked back in the house. I sat down on one of the plastic chairs on the front porch. I felt a little embarrassed that I got so emotional in front of Henry's friends. I really wish he had warned me about that song. It brought up so much that I was trying to forget about. I wanted to move past all the bad stuff but how was that possible when Henry was going to be singing about it all the time. 
    Henry emerged from inside the house a few minutes later with his guitar case and my purse. On the way back to his apartment, I just stared out the window. I didn't know what to say. I had a lot of feelings and most of them weren't good. I was angry that he didn't tell me about his songs sooner. I was sad about what he sang about. I was embarrassed. And I felt bad about all of it because the songs were really good and could lead to bigger things for Henry and his band. Our relationship was the definition of complicated. As soon as things were starting to feel perfect, a road block would go up to fuck it up. It was exhausting.
   When we got home, I went straight to the bathroom to wash my face. I looked awful after crying my eyes out. I scrubbed all the smeared makeup off but there was nothing I could do about my red swollen eyes. I was too tired to care. All I wanted was my pjs and bed. I found Henry in his room sitting on his bed with his head in his hands. I sat down next to him and laid my head on his shoulders. As tired as I was, I didn't want to go to sleep till we talked things out.

"Henry, that song was beautiful."

He lifted his head and wrapped an arm around my shoulders.

"I wish I could stop fucking things up. I've never had a girlfriend before so I don't know what the hell I'm doing. I should have played that song for you in private first. I should have known what your reaction would be. I'm such a fucking idiot."

"You're not an idiot. But yeah, there was a better way to handle that. I guess we are still figuring out this whole relationship thing. We'll get there."

"Are you okay? I hated seeing you so upset knowing I was the reason for it."

"I'm better now. It just might be a little while before I can face Pete and the guys again."

"They are all pissed at me. I'm beginning to think they like you better than me. Not that I can blame them. Pete actually yelled at me when I went back in to grab our stuff. He told me that if I didn't stop messing up, someone else was going to steal you away."

I smiled. I always liked Pete. I would need to thank him for sticking up for me. I gave Henry a quick peck on the cheek before standing up to get ready for bed. He grabbed my hand and pulled me back down onto his lap. His hand reached up and cupped my check before he placed his mouth on mine. When he pulled away, he looked into my eyes and it felt like he was trying to look into my soul.

"I'm not going to let anyone steal you away."

"I'm yours Henry. I told you. I'm not going anywhere."