In The Ruins...

Chapter 34 - Final

Rohan's POV

It's been over a week now. But things are still the same. I have visited Aaryan's home so many times that I even lost the count. Sometimes with Arjun, sometimes when Ahana was there and other times I just put some extra courage and went alone.

I don't know how I got so much strength over past few days which I didn't even get all those years I spent being in London, hiding away from all the troubles which my life held. But now that I have gained this confidence, I feel some positivity building up inside me. Raghav was right when he said that I should confront my fears for once and for all, it is the only way to make things right for all of us. It wasn't just me who have lived in this pit all these years but his family has suffered along with me as well and I had no clue till now.

All these years I have spent thinking only about myself and my pain. I spent all these years believing that I was the only one who felt the emptiness Aaryan left behind, that I was the only one who missed him deeply. But I was so wrong! I realized this after I met his mom, for the first time in the last 10 years. I realized how deep my one mistake has affected another person. And all these years I spent thinking I was the only one who suffered when she suffered a far greater loss than me.

How can I forget her? Her pain, her suffering. Seeing her son dead in front of her. I can just imagine what she must have gone through. I always cried years for my loss but what about hers? How can I not see that? How can I ignore that? Everyone around me said that she is overreacting and blaming me to get past her pains. That it was her way to get over the loss she suffered after losing Aaryan. But how can I blame her when I know she's only saying the truth that everyone is denying. I deserve the hate that she throws at me. I've done plenty of wrong deeds to get off my sufferings, to release my pain. I've scarred myself, I've drugged myself, I've used women like toys for my pleasure, I've taken advantage of my loved ones, I've hurt them many times, I've let them down. This was my way to feel less pain.

And if her way to feel better is by cursing me all her life then I guess I'm ready to live in this pit and let myself suffer alone rather than gaining her apologies by troubling her and letting her suffer more because of me.

But somehow I felt happy that I took this step at least now. Not because I gathered the courage to confront my past but because I felt like I'm not alone in my pain. There was someone who would understand and is going through the same pain as mine. If a day comes when she will be able to finally accept me and forgive me then I know we can share our pain with each other and help each other to move forward in life. And I can wait for that day as long as I breathe.

Now that I feel like some weight has been lifted off my chest, I feel better. I feel like I could handle things as I did in the past when Aaryan was with me. I feel brave and strong although I'm not over my past. I just made peace with them, I accepted things that took place and I accepted myself. That was such a liberating thing to do. I'm glad I did that even if I'm late.

Whatever I'm doing now is not for me anymore, now it's about his mom. I'm doing this for her, I want to let her feel light and release her from this heaviness she feels in her heart. I want her to live her life as well just like how I'm starting to live my life. She may not have forgiven me or accepted my apologies or even met me after that day. But she has brought life back to me by meeting me that day, by shouting at me and cursing me. That really changed a lot of things for me. And I just want to help her out the same because I'm the only one who can do that. I'm not gonna disturb her anymore but I can't leave her alone to suffer as well. I have to be there for her as her son. I can never replace Aaryan and I don't want to but I need to be there for her to lean on for support. I just need to be there...

I let out a deep sigh as I looked out at the rising sun in front of me. I couldn't sleep all night yet again. It has been my regular routine now. The thoughts have just clouded my mind again. I wanted to take a long walk badly outside but me being in Mumbai was not helping to fulfill my cravings. I closed my eyes yet again resting my body on the couch which was kept beside a long glass window in my room and stayed the same just when I heard the door getting pushed.