13th Doctor OneShots

Her Diary!

Hey, so this chapter is a little inside to J's emotional, mental thoughts I guess you would say. I want to write more on her past before meeting her birth parents, like what happened to her before she proper meet them before the whole memory wipe, and to start that off I'm going to show you well what she writes in her Diary. A little inside to her thoughts. This is a little dark I'm sorry, but I hope it's good and you enjoy it.

However when I mean I want to give more on her past, I mean parts of her past it would be ever so often, and maybe snippets of memory/or telling others about things or something like that, maybe chapters over in time more were The Doctor will go back and see her with the gang when J ain't around like see younger her. And or The Doctor and River going back.

You will see I've not completely set on how I will introduce it but we will do it within Adventures with the Doc and Gang, and or with things triggering her memory, to remember things in her past.

I did try putting the parts of the Diary in italics but it was for not happening, so I put it in bold instead. Anyways enough rambling and enjoy.

Yaz, Ryan and Graham has gone to bed so the Doctor thought she would chat with J, so she heads to her room in the possibility she was awake. She wanted to talk to her about putting a Jammiedodger dispenser directly in her room that would be attached to the kitchen so the Tardis would refill it for her but she wanted to do it with J a Father daughter project as such.

However when she knocked on J's door and she says 'J' as she enters she found her sleeping TimeChild fast asleep, she smiles at her thinking how this was unusual she's normally awake but then again she's not properly slept in months.

J's Diary was sitting faces down on her bed with the pen to the side, she was in her favourite purple fleece blanket rather than the covers. Her body was facing to the right of the room away from the Doctor.

Her hair was out her bobble as it swoops around her invading her face, her glasses sat to the bedside table and her phone. The Doctor chuckles silently at her sleeping child. Her dog and rat sleeping beside her, the Dog did lift her head when the Doctor entered but went back to sleep. And even though J, was not really a child anymore she would always be her little Jammiedodger.

The Doctor grabs the pen and puts it over to the desk along with the diary as doing so she saw the scribble of 'Numb, and Lost' on one page in red pen, deep into the paper it had cut through onto the other page.

She got curious she sits on J's gaming chair in her room. She opens the diary more, on the next page with the writing it also said 'goner, loser, forgotten, not wanted, hated, ugly, stupid, pathetic, gross, horrible, fat, mistaken, unloved, taken advantage off'. All circled around the 'numb and Lost'.

She turns her head to the next page.

It was a paragraph, the Doctor knew she shouldn't but she had to she started to read it, as she read 'Haunted by the memories' she heard J's voice reading it in her head.

She reads down to when the paragraph started.

'I stand looking down at my bleeding arms, warm blood rushes down them dripping onto the white rug that lays in my room, I stand watching it drip from my fingers into the rug, staining it a dark red. I can feel my eyes burning as my emotions rumble through me, my mind racing as I try to breath yet I choke trying to, my mouth opens as I try to scream but nothing happens I can't get it out of me, without the pain becoming real. I stand as the warmth from my stinging eyes begun to burn more, my emotions start to leak out dripping down mixing into my blood as I start to crumble.

Even the strongest of souls can fall hard. And this is happening. Time stands still as my limb body falls hard beneath me, hitting the floor hard as if it's made of bricks. I feel the pain rumble through my soul escaping me, I can't stop the tears flowing and mixing into my blood. The blood is flooding onto my legs and the rug, while my emotions start to also come out in a scream, the sound of my scream echoes through, as if I'm in an empty old building.

The pain comes hard as everything kept in starts to free itself my brain is numb, crumbled on the floor the migraine from hell bangs inside my head among the feeling of knives scraping the inside of my head as the drums continue to bang, bang and bang within.

My hearts ace from within, beating so fast I can almost feel them trying to escape my body. The feeling within feels like someone is squeezing my hearts hard as they try to escape.

Time starts to move once more as the clock strikes 12, the inside of me tries to explode all of my emotions out of my body. It hurts, everything hurts I can't do this no more there is so much trying to escape so much that was bottled up trying to just get out, as it kills me from the inside out.

The scream still echoes through my body through my soul as the banging of the drums continue.

The emptiness and the numbness wants to stay, the emotions want out they never want to be within but unfortunately they may get out but they will never really be out. I suddenly hear my father, I blink, I'm now out of my thoughts, out of my imagination I can't see what I've just been witnessing in my own imagination, I think to myself, I can't allow that to ever happen, I can't allow my emotions to escape me. I can't allow them to leave I also can't allow myself to become fully empty, never mind that I do always feel numb, I can't allow the memories to be let themselves escape though my emotions. The evil that haunts me each day and night, the memories of my life the emotions of my feelings and the way i genuinely feel twenty four seven.

My father asks me about the next adventure, I smile and say sure not truly listing, I get up from the couch, I was watching Once Upon a time previous. I say watching it was on as I was inside my thoughts. I get up from my seat smiling at my Dad luckily she never sees through my fake smiles everyday there is a fake smile, fakeness to keep up the feel of myself being happy remotely never happy but always can pretend.

I'm standing watching my Dad, in her console room she talk with her family, her friends, as I watch them I think, I can't allow my emotions to ever leak like they do in my imagination. I certainly can't allow myself to ever say the words I will break, I will definitely crumble. It's been bottled up with everything else and it stays that way. At least some of my happiness is real... some, but I will always feel the way I do, keep pretending J, don't let anyone in it will make it worse. Don't allow others to see your pain and certainly don't allow The Doctor or River to see it.

To the next adventure then.'

The Doctor feels her own emotions right now, she wonders what those words 'it stays that way' means, what happened to make her daughter feel this way, to make her this way. She never even noticed, there is one thing she knows what her daughter got from not only her but River, the way to keep it all in. But one day that will all come out it will come flooding out like a volcano exploding.

She sits the Diary and pen back the way she found it now, instead of J, waking knowing someone had picked it up or even worse read it. That she did. She didn't want her more upset of feeling her privacy was broken. Yet it was.

She didn't know what to do, or if she would confront J or even River when she sees her next. Or maybe she will ask Yaz to speak with J, just ask her how she is rather than mention she's actually broken her trust in a way she would never have known. Why did she read that? Why didn't she stop herself. J will truly hate her, she thinks.

She leaves her room and walks to the console room still trying to figure out what to do, and why her daughter feels the way she does, was it something from her childhood? She thinks she says she's always felt it? Was it because of her and River leaving her? They thought it would be safer but was it? Her mind races her hearts ace for her daughter to be happy and not pretend to be.

She will figure out something but for now, she doesn't want to make things worse, she feels it would be better if she left it and told River and then they should talk about it J might hate her for reading what she read but in all honesty The Doctor just wants her daughter to feel wanted, safe and loved.

Even if that means she hates her for a while.