the secret » david dobrik au

T H I R T Y - N I N E

"Did you know he was going to lunch with Madison today?" I asked the four people sitting on our couch, face flushed because I was that fucking mad. It was one thing for him to be going to lunch with just any girl; he was a popular boy who had many friends, and I accepted that. It was another thing to be eating with someone who clearly disliked me and saw me as a threat before we were even together, a person who would probably do anything to get with David, a person who he kissed before we got together.

"What?" the three twisted around to face me, confused looks on their faces. "Who?"

"Who do you fucking think?" I snapped, then sighed. "Sorry. Not very happy right now."

"Today?" Todd asked. "I thought he was doing frat stuff with Scott today."

"Then he lied to the both of us," all I could do was sarcastically smile to keep my tears at bay. "When you see him, tell him we're done."

"Woah, really?" Corinna's jaw dropped. "Ev, he probably has a good reason."

"He told me he was going home today to go to a doctor's appointment with his sister. He told Todd he was with Scott doing something for the frat. If he's trying that hard to keep their little luncheon a secret, then I don't even want to know what else is going on," I reasoned while they all stared at me, a mix of confusion and shock riddling their faces. "He shouldn't have lied to me."

I could tell they were debating whether or not they should try to calm me down or just let me go to my room. I grabbed the orange sherbet from the fridge and a spoon, then went to my room to cry.

It was never hard for me to give up on relationships after my dad left. I saw what he did to my mom. I saw how he completely turned her world upside down and didn't even feel remorseful. It was the reason I'd never fully commit myself to one person. If you kept them at a distance, it would hurt less when they inevitably gave up on you or made a mistake.

That's what I had done with David. Though I loved him, and I constantly told him and showed him, I saved something for myself. A little sliver of my heart that I just couldn't bear to give away. It was the reason I chose not to move in with him next year. It was the hesitation when people asked if I saw myself marrying him. It was the awkward laugh when someone told us we were perfect together. All that was a way of protecting myself, and it made it so, so easy to give up.

I avoided David like the plague for the next two days, locking my bedroom door when he came over and blasting music loud enough that he couldn't yell over it. Our apartment got three noise complaints in that time, but I didn't care. Anything to get him to stop.

Seriously, anything. At one point, I locked myself in the bathroom and took a two hour shower, blasting classic rock until Corinna texted me that he gave up.

He caught me at the Delt house. I was supposed to be helping Matt with his statistics homework since I had taken it first semester. We finished, and as I was sneaking past David's bedroom door, it swung open. It wasn't planned; he seemed floored to even see me. Before I could run away, he grabbed my wrist and yanked me into his bedroom, shutting and locking the door behind us.

"What the fuck is wrong with you?" he asked, eyebrows raised as he awaited my answer.

"What the fuck are you talking about?"

"We're broken up, but you won't say it to my face, so I just want to know why. Because I had lunch with someone?" he put broken up in air quotes. My feelings weren't real to him, and it only made me more frustrated.

"It was fucking Madison!" I finally yelled. "You knew how I felt about her, you knew it would hurt me, and I know you knew because you fucking lied about it!"

"You are so fucking scared of letting anything good into your life that you're willing to break up with me for having lunch with someone you don't like?" he frowned. I was honestly shocked he admitted it so casually, as if the idea of watching her laugh at something he said through the café window didn't break my heart.

"You don't even care about my feelings, and that's been proven by this exchange. And if you really loved me in the first place, you wouldn't have picked someone prettier to cheat on me with. You know I'm gonna hold onto that forever."

"I don't care about your fucking feelings?" David's eyebrows furrowed, his hands flying up in the air. He was getting just as frustrated with me as I was with him. "Are you kidding me? I spend all my fucking time with you because you don't like being alone. I do everything you want me to do to make you happy. God forbid I go to one lunch with a girl. The only reason we're even together is because you tried to kill yourself and I felt bad for you!"

I felt bad for you.

I felt bad for you.

It was silent. Too silent. I was staring at him in shock because I didn't even know what else to say. Maybe I wanted him to feel a little bad, too, after his words sunk in. Those words should've never left his mouth.

"Well, I'm sorry that I dragged you into all of this. If that's how you really feel, then why are you even protesting us breaking up?" I asked, suddenly so angry and sad that I was completely calm. I had to stay calm so I wouldn't start crying. He didn't deserve my tears. "You were only pity dating me anyways."

"Evan, that's not what I meant. I didn't mean that," he shook his head, his face becoming much softer now that he knew I was hurt. That wasn't fair, and I wasn't going to let it trick me. "I know what you're doing, and I'm not giving up that easily."

"What am I doing?"

"Pushing away anyone who gives a fuck about you so they can't leave you first."

(I mean, he had a point, but I was too mad at him to think straight at that point.)

"So the person who supposedly gives a fuck about me is the one who said the only reason he's dating me is so he won't feel responsible if I off myself?" I tilted my head to the side like the question really confused me. "Fuck you. You don't care about me, and you probably never did. Let me out of this room."

"Do you genuinely think I don't care about you?" he seemed confused, as if his statement earlier made him seem like he really loved me. "We both know it's you that's never been one hundred percent in this relationship because you're fucking scared. You can't blame this shit on me."

"Fine then. I don't know if I can do a relationship. I don't think it's for me. But that is not the reason we're where we are today. We're here because you chose to lie to me, and you chose to treat me like I don't matter to you. Not because I don't know if I'm girlfriend material. But if that's what you want it to be about to make yourself feel better, then yeah, you're right, I don't know that I'm ready to be in a real relationship with you."

"If you don't know, then I think we're done here," his eyes were welling up with tears, but I willed myself not to look. I was doing this because I cared about him. He deserved someone better, someone who could give him everything with no hesitation. He didn't deserve to have someone who might never feel fully open in the relationship.

"Fine," I shrugged, holding back the tears. "Then I guess we're done."

I feel like if you don't know by 5sos really represents davids point of view cuz its like he loves her but she cant be in a relationship without trying to rip it apart but he wants it so badddddd

Im only posting this bc i have a confession to make bc i feel so guilty I SENT NUDES FOR MONEY (im 19 dont worry no child pornography) and now i feel so guilty so i needed to share it w someone and yall are the least judgmental ppl i know okay bye DONT JUDGE ME IM BROKE

xoxo abby