the secret » david dobrik au

F O R T Y - T H R E E

The Saturday after the party, I felt as if I had reverted back to my old form. I was miserable. It was a bad idea, in hindsight, staying in David's room. I should've just dealt with whatever semen-infested sheets I was going to find in Jeff's. It felt too real. It felt too normal.

I woke up early the next morning and booked it back to the apartment, sending my roommates a text to let them know I was alive and just going to take a shower. The walk of shame felt worse that morning, maybe because I usually left the Delt house in a unisex t-shirt over my slutty outfits. I was glad I didn't actually try to walk home the night before; I definitely was a target looking like this.

Once I got home and showered and cried a little bit, I fell asleep in my bed eating chips and salsa. It was just a little too much for my brain at that moment. I needed some rest and relaxation time on my own.

I heard the girls come in a few hours later and start cooking, but I didn't get up. I was still sad that I was sad, while David was so casually offering up his floor to sleep on like being in the same room with me didn't absolutely kill him. It was just the proof I needed that he was quickly moving on, and I was not. He could interact with me so casually because he didn't care like I did, and that hurt.

Eventually, the bag of chips dwindled to nothing and I ran out of The Good Place episodes that made me happy. I had to leave my room. Corinna, Todd, and Natalie were all on the couch. Corinna turned as she heard the door open and smiled when she saw me, "There's my little all star. Are you okay?"

"Just tired," I shrugged, knowing it was a lie. "We have, like, no groceries. I don't know what you guys want to do about dinner."

"We could order Chinese?" Natalie suggested, a hopeful smile on her face. "Nothing like a cream cheese rangoon to cure a hangover, you know."

"Okay. Someone else do it. I hate calling people," I instructed them, taking a water bottle from the fridge and joining them on the couch. Todd took the liberty of leaving to make the call, so Corinna and Natalie started grilling me.

"Where'd you sleep?"

"His floor."

"He wouldn't let you sleep on his bed? Asshole," Natalie frowned, and I shook my head.

"I wouldn't let me sleep on his bed. It was already bad enough this morning," I explained.

"Why? What happened?" Corinna looked nervous.

"Nothing. Nothing bad, I mean. It just... felt like the old days," I shrugged, convincing myself not to cry again. "And I'm mad because he doesn't care anymore the way I care. He has moved on, and I'm still sitting here wondering where everything went wrong."

"He wouldn't let you sleep in Jeff's bed or walk home alone. He hasn't moved on," Nat reassured me. "Even if he has, it really doesn't matter. You don't have to be going at the same pace. You can do whatever the fuck you want."

"I love him."

Corinna sighed and laid her head on my shoulder, "We know, baby. We know."

The next few days were more of the same. My heart still hurt every time I saw David or heard his name or stepped foot in the Delt house. I still tried to come over at least once a week to cook for everyone because I didn't want to let them down. That didn't mean it wasn't difficult.

The air felt thick in that house, and every little noise or footstep made me jumpy. I had to just hope that David wouldn't come downstairs after he heard pots banging around. Once the food was ready, I'd send a text to Todd or one of the other boys if someone wasn't already with me to spread the word.

I felt weird eating at the house with them, but usually I was forced into it by one of my friends. You cooked! they'd say. We'd feel awful if you left! We never see you anymore!

I wasn't a difficult person to convince. I'd typically end up on the floor of Jeff and Ilya or Scott and Todd's room. We had fun, but I couldn't help but feel the hole in my chest. Something was missing, and that something was David.

I stayed home a lot more too. I ended up falling asleep on the couch after dinner a lot. They'd usually just leave me alone, but sometimes they'd all go huddle in one bedroom. I was ninety nine percent sure it was because they invited David over when I was asleep.

Why? Couldn't tell you. I guess because he was their friend  and they were allowed to miss him. I always heard them shuffling and whispering to sneak him in. They'd all go to hang out in Natalie's room without me. I wasn't mad; I was tired and wanted to sleep away my pain anyways.

The only issue with them was that they were loud. Even locked in a bedroom together, the boys' deep voices and the girls' laughs could be heard over the low hum of whatever was on TV. I felt stupid even trying to sleep when he was over, but if I got up to go to my room, they'd know I knew they were bringing him over. They were keeping it a secret for a reason, because they thought they were protecting me, so I wanted them to think that. It made them proud. It made them happy. I'd let them do what they wanted.

And so, most week nights, I'd sit on the couch, my eyes just barely cracked open enough to watch TV, and wonder what they were talking about. Were they talking about me, or did they avoid that subject all together when David was around? Were they talking about Madison? The possibilities were endless. It was maddening.

By the time I heard someone say let me go check to make sure she's still asleep, I knew David was about to leave. I'd close my eyes and rest my head back in my hands. The door would creak open, and I'd hear we're good. Be safe going home! then footsteps. I heard Natalie's bedroom door shut again, but I didn't hear the front door open.

He was in the living room with me. He was watching me. I felt his presence in front of me, then he squatted down in front of me. I could practically feel his breath on my face. He sighed, his hand lightly petting my hair down to my head, and said, "I miss you."

That was it. Nothing else. His touch on my head left as quickly as it came, and the front door opened and shut behind him. He was gone, and I was alone. Again.

this is much cuter when u realize that the day david told her he loved her he told her he could tell whether or not she was actually sleeping by her breath........ yeah ill go cry now

Xoxo abby

Ps dont comment on it IM Craving cream cheese rangoons okay