the secret » david dobrik au

F O R T Y - T W O

i know it's cruel
but i kind of hope you're tortured too
tell me, does your heart stop at the party when my name drops?

is it just me? - emily burns

"Sooo... let's discuss the party tomorrow," Corinna placed her interlocked hands in front of her, a motion to prove she meant business. We were at a Mexican restaurant on a Thursday night after I was dragged out of my bed. The party tomorrow would be the first party I had gone to since David and I broke up.

I had to say, after my talk with Jeff, I had felt a little better. I didn't want to look unhealthily skinny or anything, so hearing that from him (someone who wasn't super close to me and wouldn't be mean for no reason) was kind of a wake up call. I had been eating a lot more since he became my workout partner. He was better than Todd in many ways.

"I want to go," I lied, squeezing my fingers together in an attempt to distract myself. "I think I'm ready."

"We want you to come. They just aren't the same without my beautiful little Evdawg," Natalie grinned at me in a way that did make me feel better. "You can get drunk and everything, now that you're drinking more. It'll be fun."

"You aren't going to, like... cry if you see him?" Corinna asked, more cautious than Natalie (how had their roles switched so quickly?). "Because obviously I love you and I want you to have fun with us, but if you start crying over him in front of everyone, that'll be bad. I'm just saying, that'll be embarrassing. I don't want you to feel like we're pressuring you into coming if you aren't ready."

"I won't," I shook my head. "I think I'm all cried out."

That was true. I couldn't cry anymore over a man who didn't want me. I had become numb to the heaviness that was ever present in my chest. I didn't cry like I used to. I couldn't find it in me.

"Well, in that case," Corinna's mood took a significant upturn, the smirk growing on her face, "what are you going to wear to make sure David Dobrik's life is a living hell?"

That was a question I pondered that night as I sat on my floor and stared into my closet for an hour. What could I wear to make him care about me? Nothing. At this point, nothing would be good enough to make him want me again. He would always see me as too much work.

That didn't mean I couldn't try. My average party fit was some type of black shirt and either jeans or denim shorts, and that just wouldn't do. I wanted to draw attention to myself (probably not my best idea).

I ended up borrowing a ribbed skirt set from Corinna. It was royal blue and way too short to be a skirt, but I wore it anyways. It made me feel pretty, but I didn't know how far just feeling pretty would take me at the party. I needed a bad bitch attitude that I just... didn't possess.

Still, I persisted. We took some pre-party shots of vodka at the dorm, took our usual abundance of pictures, then made our way to the party. We were already stumbling in the streets by the time we got there, which I considered a good sign. Usually, I was sober by this time and helping to wrangle the girls in, but I knew tonight would be different. All hell was about to break loose. I could just feel it.

"Upstairs! To get drinks!"

This was usually the part where I split from the two wild childs and went to find David, but instead, I followed them up the steps. We grabbed the bottle of liquor from Todd and Scott's closet and filled up plastic cups most of the way with the liquid. Corinna said, "Remind me to buy a new one tomorrow. I just can't imagine drinking the shit downstairs."

"Cheers to none of us remembering that that bottle is empty tomorrow," Natalie held up her cup with a laugh, and we clinked all of ours together. I downed as much of the liquid as I could in one go, then we made our way back downstairs. "Follow! Follow!"