the secret » david dobrik au

F O R T Y - O N E

I was, in fact, not better the next day. Or the day after that. Or the day after that. You get the point.

I tried so hard to be good and normal for everyone around me. I never cried unless I was in the shower or in bed or alone. I tried to be attentive when in a group, tried to listen when people talked, tried to laugh at jokes and respond to questions, but it was really fucking hard. Every time I smiled at a greeting, I could feel my social battery draining. All I wanted was to be alone.

I took up running as a hobby. I hadn't ran since my middle school sports teams, and it wasn't as bad as I remembered it was. I could only think about not tripping and continuing, not the fact that David didn't want me.

Todd chose to be my running buddy. I was sure Natalie forced him to, since it apparently "wasn't safe for girls to run alone". He told me he already ran every day and he'd just join in with me. So we made it a thing. Running. So fun.

I went with him nearly every day. We sometimes talked, especially during our "cool down walk", but it was usually pretty quiet. This day, in late March, it was not.

"I think you should stop running for a little, Ev," he told me as we reached our cool-down-marker on our route, a big tree that someone carved A+S into. I hoped they were broken up every time I saw it.

"Why?" I huffed from both our earlier sprinting and the fact that I knew I was about to get lectured. I eventually just stopped running the closer we got to the frat house, our final destination.

"You're just... I don't want to sound mean or make you mad."

"Say it," I said, already feeling tears welling up in my eyes. It wasn't that whatever he was going to say was going to be particularly painful, it was just easy to cry these days.

"You've gotten really skinny. And I know you don't eat your dinner when you eat with us. I haven't told anyone, but I'm worried about you. I either need you to start eating like you again or stop running."

"I don't get hungry," I shrugged. "I don't know what you want from me. I like running, but I don't have an appetite. I need to run."

"Maybe we go, like, three times a week?" Todd suggested. It was clear he didn't want to upset me, but anything even slightly negative would upset me at that point.

I stared at him for a moment, willing myself not to cry, then finally said, "I'll see you tomorrow. Actually, I want a new running buddy. Someone who listens to me. Ask one of the other boys."

"Evan—"

"See you later," and I took off down the street towards the apartment, my pepper spray tightly gripped in one hand.

I heard Natalie on the phone with him when I got home through the otherwise silent apartment. Our walls were too thin to really keep secrets. She said, "Yeah, but you can't just say that to her. She's delicate."

Todd said something I obviously couldn't hear, then Natalie continued, "I mean, yes, I agree. She needs to eat and stop working out so much, but that was the wrong approach. You probably just made her upset and now she's going to eat even less and run even more. Do you even think through things before you do them?"

That sparked an argument between the two, I assumed, so I turned on some music and went to sleep.

The next day, at six forty five, the time of our normal run, I walked downstairs to see Jeff waiting outside of our building. I smiled at him, a genuine smile, thankful it wasn't Todd. "Jeff! Are you my new running buddy?"

"Well, actually, we're walking and talking," he said, and my smile immediately dropped. Not another lecture from another person about how David wasn't worth it and I shouldn't push away my emotions and my friends. "I will pick you up like a baby and hold you the entire time if you don't walk with me."

"No, you won't."

"Try me," his eyebrows dropped in a manner to show he was serious, and I didn't want to take the chance. With a sigh of frustration, I fell into step beside him. He said, "I know we've kind of been off and on with our friendship, but I really like you, Evan. As a friend, I mean. I think you're fucking dope."

"Thank you."

"You haven't been the same," he breathed, like the idea of him starting something with me made him nervous. "You just haven't. I know breakups are hard, but we feel like you're handling it poorly."

"So you guys all just sit around and talk about how horrible I am?" I stopped walking, crossing my arms over my chest defensively. "I don't need your pity. I'm fine."

"We're not pitying you. Being worried for your health is not pitying you. Look," he wrapped a hand around my wrist. His thumb could touch the second knuckle on his finger. "That's not normal. That's not healthy. I don't want you to die or anything because of David."

"It's not... I'm not worried about David. I don't care. This is just how I am now. It's not that I'm purposely starving myself or anything."

"You don't have to lie to me, Evan," he frowned. "Look, you can lie to them all you want, and I get it. They'll tell David you're bad. You don't want them to think less of you for being upset over a boy. But you don't have to do that bullshit with me. I'm your friend, and not really David's. You don't have to act like you don't care."

I looked up at him, bottom lip trembling, and he sighed and opened his arms. I fell into them immediately, gasping for breath that I couldn't seem to find. His hand started rubbing up and down my back, and he said, "That's more like it."

"I don't know what to do," I cried, thankful we were on some side street on campus that rarely had any foot traffic. "I just don't know what to do without him. I feel so stupid still being this sad about it when he's fucking fine."

"Don't feel stupid, Evan," he hugged me even tighter. "Some people are hard to get over. It's not weird or crazy. And he's not fine. I don't know if someone told you that, but he's not fine. He's in his room all the time now. He's not fine."

"That makes me feel worse," I whined. "I don't want him to be sad. He's my best friend, you know? He's the best. He's not supposed to be sad."

"I don't know what to tell you. It's only been a few weeks. You're both going to be torn up for a little bit,  but if you broke up, you have to believe it's for the better," he told me. "The longer you sit around wondering where you went wrong and what you could do to fix it, the more it hurts. If you're moping around all the time and not eating and making yourself feel like shit, you're never gonna get better. We all want you to get better. We miss our sweetheart. The house isn't the same without you."

I pulled back, wiping my tears and nodding my head. He was right. I needed to get my shit together.

"Do I really look that skinny?"

"Yeah. I don't see how you haven't noticed."

"I wasn't trying to do that. I swear."

"I know. But you were. Let's go get something to eat, yeah? I'll tell you all about my drama with that Autumn girl."

"I know her. She's mean."

"Exactly."

I needed that jeff peptalk for myself so i wrote it lmao heres to saying shit i dont mean !! Bc ill never get over anyone or anything !!! Xoxo abby