Infinity||H.S.

Say You Want Let Go

"I met you in the dark, you lit me up
You made me feel as though I was enough
We danced the night away, we drank too much
I held your hair back when
You were throwing up
Then you smiled over your shoulder
For a minute, I was stone-cold sober
I pulled you closer to my chest
And you asked me to stay over
I said, I already told ya
I think that you should get some rest"

September, 28th 2017

New York

Noelle

I feel him in my veins.
It's like a poison that doesn't want to leave my body.

I tried - Heaven knows I did - to erase him from my mind.

I threw away all his things, I deleted all his text, blocked his number, blocked all his social profiles.

Yet, I still feel him.

Today more than ever.

He is here. He is in New York. After months of trying to avoid even the thought of him, he is here.

And I feel him everywhere.

New York is my safe place, my Eden on Earth.

Yet today is my personal hell.

It's been months: I cried, I shouted, I broke things and swallowed down more drinks that I liked to acknowledge.

I even went on a date, two weeks ago to prove myself I could do it. I returned home with an empty heart, and an empty bottle of vodka.

I thought I was past him, and I thought wrong.

Harry Styles is like ecstasy: Once you have tried it, you can't go without it ever again.

I'm a drug addict and he is my drug. The streets of New York - full of publicity with his face on - are my dealers.

And like every good junkie, today I succumbed to my addiction.

I'm not proud of myself, If I could I would have drowned my sorrow in a bottle of tequila like I do every night when Carter is not with me.

Drinking is the only thing that makes me sleep without having nightmares.

I know it may sound out of proportion. I know I may sound drastic. It's not like someone died.

Yet I feel like a part of me died that day, three months ago.

The part that loved that man. The part that believed in a happy ending.

Elle Evans died that day. Now I'm only Noelle or Nonó.

I feel like I lost a part of me because not only I discovered that the man I love - yes, it's pointless deny it I still love him - is a liar and a coward, but I also lost my best friend.

And losing the person you shared practically all your life hurts. It destroys you.

Not hearing his voice over the phone, not reading his stupid texts, not seeing his face over FaceTime... Hurts.

I know our friendship was already going to hell... Having sex with your best friend knowing you feel something for him while he doesn't surely change the perspective of everything. And changed the way we behaved toward each other.