Infinity||H.S.

They Say I Did Something Bad

"You and me we made a vow
For better or for worse
I can't believe you let me down
But the proof is in the way it hurts
For months on end I've had my doubts
Denying every tear
I wish this would be over now
But I know that I still need you here
You say I'm crazy
'Cause you don't think I know what you've done
But when you call me baby
I know I'm not the only one"

****

New York
21, August 2019
23 days to the wedding

Noelle

Have you ever heard about the stages of grief?

They are five and you're supposed to feel them when someone dies and you're mourning. I don't know who died - maybe part of myself, maybe my relationship, maybe both -
but in three days I went through them all.

The first one is denial. And it started as soon as Hannah and I stepped into the aeroplane. Suddenly my head decided that I didn't really have sex with Harry but it was all a product of my imagination, another dream, like the one I had back in Los Angeles. It was completely irrational, the big hickey on my collarbone was a clear sign that I had, in fact, had sex with Harry, but my mind couldn't bear the thought.

The second one is anger. It started during our stopover in New York when I looked at my phone and saw way too many missed calls from Harry. It made me go mental. Suddenly I felt anger boil in my veins and a very strong desire to punch someone or break something. I was angry at myself for cheating on Thomas and let Harry mess with my head. I was angry at Harry for... Well being Harry and I was angry at Thomas for inviting him in Las Vegas. Totally uncalled for, I know.

The third stage is barging and it happened once I was home, in Holmes Chapel, closed in my room while my dad, Mae and Lily and even Cece tiptoed around me. My mind started to reply to a multitude of different scenarios. If I listened to Harry when he wanted to talk, this wouldn't have happened. If I told Thomas me and Harry weren't of speaking terms, this wouldn't have happened. If... If...

The fourth stage is depression and I actually think I'm still feeling it, but that's a story for later. It happened the night of my first day home. I was there, laying on my bed and the weight of what I did came crashing down on me, taking my breath away, literally. It took almost an hour for my dad and Mae to calm me down. I started thinking about the wedding, about all the guests, all we have organized, Cruella reaction at the news her son and I weren't getting married anymore, but besides this, I started really think about Thomas and how much I hurt him. I took my mind into dark places I'm not proud of.

The fifth stage is acceptance and it's the most painful one added to the depression I'm still feeling. Acceptance arrived in a rush. The day before yesterday I fell asleep crying and yesterday morning I woke up with the knowledge of what I have done. It's nobody's fault but mine. Not Harry's, not Thomas', just mine. And with the awareness of my error, arrived the one I was fearing the most: I had to tell Thomas.
It took me all morning, a bottle of wine and the help of Hannah - who stood by my side almost the whole time - to buy a ticket to New York and actually put some clothes in duffle back.

This brings us to today. The day my relationship will probably end. The day I take my responsibilities and admit my faults to Thomas.

I honestly look like shit. I took a shower yesterday after four days - the last one was at the JFK airport, in the bathroom of the VIP lounge because I felt dirty and needed to take the feeling of Harry's touch off of me - just because Hannah and Mea forced me to.