Sapphire's Review Store 3.0

Review by Sunshine: Iris

Title: Iris

Author: Schizo_lover8323

Reviewer: ray_of_sunshine9

Summary: 2/5

There are sound great things happening in your summary – you set the scene, you keep it succinct and engaging, and the ending feels like a very sweet hook at the end that sounds very much like a promising advertisement for your story.

However, there are a few things that need work. The first paragraph is a little confusing, and doesn't quite make sense – she began her adventures when she was four to search for her origin, but what's this about 'not until good fortunes has been following her smoothly – as what she prayed for has been crushed?' I'm guessing something bad happened, and you need to convey that in a more understandable way.

Additionally, what are the 'struggles' you speak about? What is the real conflict, and what are the stakes? What is the worst thing that could happen? Also, you keep changing tense throughout your summary – please choose one and keep it consistent. 

Grammar: 2/5

The biggest issue that I found throughout your entire story was tenses. While most of your story was relatively polished, tenses are a pretty big thing because, if not consistent, it can disrupt the cohesion within your story. Here is an example from your story:

The pitch-black cumulus hovered over the horizon of Town Albio. [hovered = past tense]

Under the murky clouds, the atmosphere feels... [feels = present tense]

You need to choose one tense and keep it consistent throughout your story.

Next, dialogue and dialogue tags. If you have a dialogue tag, please ensure that the tag is on the same line as the dialogue itself. For example:

"We can still save them, sister."

The headmistress said with an assuring smile.

That is incorrect. It should be:

"We can still save them, sister." The headmistress said with an assuring smile.

But wait! It's still not correct. Why? Dialogue and punctuation. When dialogue is followed by a verbal dialogue tag (such as 'he said', 'she whispered', 'they exclaimed – or anything referring to how the character says the words), there should be a comma before the closing inverted commas. If it's anything else, this comma should be replaced by a period (or a question mark for a question, and an exclamation mark for an exclamation). In this example, it should be:

"We can still save them, sister," the headmistress said with an assuring smile.

Next, run-on sentences. Basically, whenever you adjoin two independent clauses together (clauses that could be sentences on their own), you've got a run-on sentence. For example:

"Ahh!!! Go away you monster!" hollered a child on the stairs, beneath was a soldier standing, his head up high as he glared.

The part about the solider could and should be a sentence on its own. However, since you've used a comma before it, you've got yourself a comma splice. Replace the comma before 'beneath' with a full-stop, and the problem is fixed. Also, using more than a single exclamation mark is considered redundant and grammatically incorrect.

And, finally, some sentences just don't make sense and need revising. For example:

"Aren't the king and queen were suppose to choose his bride..."

I have no idea where that sentence was leading, and I think that's because your writing, overall, could use a bit of an edit. Otherwise, good work!

Characterisation: 3/5

Courtney is such a sweet cinnamon roll! She's so full of innocence, and the interaction with Schizo to introduce her properly in chapter one was fantastic – it shows how comforting and kind he is, and how naïve she seems to be. Better yet, I adore her nosiness – I think it's a bit of a defining trait for her, as it seems to be what sends her tumbling into the conflict areas of the story.

I also love that she's not perfect. She's flawed – she breaks her brother's promise, goes out, but she still shows remorse regarding it, which is what makes the reader really empathise with her.

Some characters, on the other hand, feel very cartoonish. For example, Rina with her dramatic poses and eccentric/dramatized way of speaking. I do think it added a comedy factor to the story, but it did undermine realism a bit. Nonetheless, this may have been your intention while writing, and if that's the case, good job!

The main issue I had with characterisation regards showing instead of telling. All of that will be discussed below.

Writing Style: 2/5

We'll talk about showing instead of telling first, shall we? Throughout your story, it was very telling – which makes the writing less immersive and a little awkward. It's simple things like "she was mad" or "she looked sad" – show it to us. If we were there, in the moment, how would we be able to tell? And it even comes down to other things, such as description:

And the fine tapestries are quite cute.

Okay, but what makes them cute? What makes them look cute? What do they actually look like?

Additionally, you tend to be a bit redundant with your writing. Here's an example:

Dia's hand gingerly collided unto Courtney's cheek and scolded her for explicit speech. "Watch your mouth, young lady!"

In that example, we can already see Dia scold Courtney – we don't need to be told that it's happening in the narration as well. Additionally, phrasing is important – the sentence makes it sound like the hand is doing the scolding, instead of Dia herself.

Finally, your sentences tend to be a bit extra and lack direction sometimes. They often don't feel like complete sentences, such as:

Inside...there stood the headmistress and the nun both guardians of the orphanage in their dreich feelings and complexion on the discussion about a dreadful context they just recently gave concern.

Too many things happening in one sentence – they're standing there, but wait, where did feelings and complexion come from? Dreadful context? When did they give concern? It's a little bit overwhelming for the reader to take it all in and understand. 

Plot + Originality: 4/5

So far, with only eight chapters so far, I'm a bit hesitant to talk about plot – there's no clear climax or resolution just yet. However, I want you to slow down the pace to make your world more engaging by giving us some setting and using that to convey a certain mood and tone to each of your chapters.

That being said, what a fantastic opening! It was very intense, with the soldiers breaking in, and a fine introduction to the magical elements within the story. Do make sure you slow it down that little more so that the magic isn't too abrupt and jarring – if there's going to be wind pulling something out of someone's hand, spend some time on it, show it to us, make us feel the magic.

Speaking of magic, let's talk about the worldbuilding. Be careful when you break the narration to explain the rare-breed children and the phase powers. It's fine to do that in narration – however, it may be beneficial to have a character first think about it to ground it and make the writing feel less like a sudden Wikipedia article. Nonetheless, I did love the tale told by Gu Lao – and I'm so excited to see where you take this story! 

OVERALL SCORE: 13/25

Overall, a promising story with a gripping beginning. Make sure you work on keeping tenses consistent and you should be good to go. I hope this review helps!