Sapphire's Review Store 3.0

Review by Sunshine: Floating Stars

Title: Floating Stars

Author: Fayesther

Reviewer: ray_of_sunshine9

Summary: 4/5

I love a lot of things about your summary. I think you introduce Astrid perfectly, as well as a bit of context about who she is and what she does – and I like how these dreams and visions later tie in to a more significant plot point within the story. I love the rhetorical questions at the end, and I'm really excited to see this potential hidden world.

I do wonder if you could delve a bit deeper. Who are these individuals she meets? What is the conflict – and what could possibly go wrong? What are the stakes? Nonetheless, without these, your summary still is very hooking, so well done! Quick note:

But lacking memories of her life before one ominous day in a forest has caused her to live a disconnected life.

The repetition of 'life' makes the sentence a bit choppy to read. Maybe considering changing the first 'life' to 'childhood' or 'youth'?

Grammar: 3.5/5

I know you know your grammar – and it's clear throughout your story, too, as it is extremely polished with minimal errors to disrupt the fluency. I did catch a few things, though, so let's quickly go through them.

All she seemed to be doing was trying to get the majority of her students to stop talking and to focus, they would only manage moments at a time – to her despair.

So, over here, we've got a run-on sentence. The two clauses could be separated into independent clauses. I suggest adding an 'and' after the comma, or changing it to:

All she seemed to be doing was trying to get the majority of her students to stop talking and to focus. To her despair, they would only manage moments at a time.

Next:

When her sight finally diffused back into her eyes all she could see was a multitude of trees.

For fluency's sake, I would add a comma so that it is:

When her sight finally diffused back into her eyes, all she could see was a multitude of trees.

Next:

"Now its just us."

It should be "it's", which is the contracted for of "it is".

With such thoughts crowding her mind again. As she slowly walked home from her first day of school.

Neither of those are complete sentences. I think you need to reconsider going over that paragraph and polishing it so that the sentences are complete.

"...it does seem obvious now," Astrid shrugged off her jacket.

When dialogue is followed by a verbal dialogue tag (such as 'he said', 'she whispered', 'they exclaimed – or anything referring to how the character says the words), there should be a comma before the closing inverted commas. If it's anything else, this comma should be replaced by a period (or a question mark for a question, and an exclamation mark for an exclamation). For example:

"...it does seem obvious now." Astrid shrugged off her jacket.

And:

"Yes, mum, I promise it is me," he answered gently.