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Review by Sunshine: The Dating Proposal

Title: The Dating Proposal

Author: imaginator33

Reviewer: ray_of_sunshine9

Summary: 3.5/5

I think you've got a pretty good summary. You succinctly introduce your protagonists, and the best part is that there is a lot of heart in it – it's playful, quirky, and represents the genre well. I laughed at the metaphor about the Sahara Desert. I also like the usage of the rhetorical question at the end, and the conflict is clearly defined. Well done!

If I'm nit-picky, the focus kind of shifts between characters awkwardly – you introduce Quinn, then you introduce Ace but it almost seems like it's from Quinn's perspective because of the 'detest him more', so when it jumps to 'His not so perfect life', it feels a little jumpy. Also, what, exactly, makes Quinn so 'amazing'? If you're going to tell us that about your character, consider showing us why we should see her amazing.

Also, how does losing a role to Camilla link to her parents setting her up? Is it linked at all? And what is Carl's plan that makes it slightly more bearable? Just give us a bit more detail and it'll be more cohesive.

Grammar: 2/5

Your grammar could definitely use some touching up, so let's discuss that, shall we?

Everyone was excited yes...........

Whenever you're using ellipses, you need to make sure that you're using three periods – no more, no less. So it should be:

Everyone was excited, yes...

Then, we have:

She has had her own share of crazy fans, the worst was a fan who stood in her room waiting for her to wake up with a board that said YOU'RE MY WORLD written in bold, Quinn almost had a heart attack when she saw the girl.

What you have here is a couple of run-on sentences. That's when, within a single sentence, you have more than one independent clause (an independent clause is one where it could be a sentence on its own). In this case, 'she has had her own share of crazy fans' could be a sentence on its own, so could 'the worst was a fan who stood in her room waiting for her to wake up with a board that said YOU'RE MY WORLD written in bold', as well as 'Quinn almost had a heart attack when she saw the girl.' It should be:

She has had her own share of crazy fans. The worst was a fan who stood in her room waiting for her to wake up with a board that said YOU'RE MY WORLD written in bold – Quinn almost had a heart attack when she saw her.

Next, let's talk about dialogue and punctuation. When dialogue is followed by a verbal dialogue tag (such as 'he said', 'she whispered', 'they exclaimed – or anything referring to how the character says the words), there should be a comma before the closing inverted commas. If it's anything else, this comma should be replaced by a period (or a question mark for a question, and an exclamation mark for an exclamation). For example:

"...at least you got a role as her sister." Kenna said.

It should be:

"...at least you got a role as her sister," Kenna said.

While we're still talking about dialogue, whenever you have more than one character speaking, you need to make sure the new character has their dialogue in a separate paragraph. For example, you wrote: