Sapphire's Review Store 3.0

Review by Sunshine: Lost in Loneliness

Title: Lost in Loneliness

Author: Dessy_Strange

Reviewer: ray_of_sunshine9

Summary: 3.5/5

There are some brilliant things happening in your summary. I love how you introduce the protagonist, George, and give as an adequate amount of backstory that instantly makes the reader sympathise and want him to succeed. Then, you go on to introduce the conflict, and the stakes are relatively clear, which his daughter in the hands of a criminal.

However, it does jump a bit, and that makes it lose cohesion. "A foreign matter collided with George" is a bit too vague, and I think you can show the reader a bigger taste of the actual conflict within your story so that it doesn't sound too generic. What exactly is this foreign matter? Why is it important? Since you've already mentioned the criminal later on, it may be more cohesive to allude more specifically at this foreign matter.

Additionally, watch out for tenses – you change a lot in the summary itself, and sometimes, this change happens in a single sentence. For example:

He did all he can to secure his daughters future...

If we break it down:

He did all... [did = past tense]

...he can to secure... [can = present tense]

You need to make sure your tenses are consistent. 

Grammar: 2/5

There are definitely a few things that need polishing within your story, but don't stress – I'll go through it with you right now.

Right off the bat, I noticed that your dialogue isn't punctuated correctly. When dialogue is followed by a verbal dialogue tag (such as 'he said', 'she whispered', 'they exclaimed – or anything referring to how the character says the words), there should be a comma before the closing inverted commas. If it's anything else, this comma should be replaced by a period (or a question mark for a question, and an exclamation mark for an exclamation). For example:

"Thanks" George said with a wave to the cab driver.

That is incorrect. It should be:

"Thanks," George said with a wave to the cab driver.

Next, make sure you are consistent with when you are speaking in singular terms or plural terms. For example:

Now I walked out with countless smiles pilling up my cheeks like I had received a hundred thousand welcome.

"A hundred thousand" is a lot – and it's definitely more than a single 'welcome'. You need to change welcome to make sure it is plural, and also, 'pilling' refers to pills (like medication pills). You were looking for the word 'piling'. It should be:

Now I walked out with countless smiles piling up my cheeks, like I had received a hundred thousand welcomes.

Just like pilling versus piling, make sure you are using the correct form of words. Here's another example I found:

It was quite unfortunate for a man full of hope to loose what gave his life meaning.

Loose refers to something that is about to come undone – like a loose knot. I think you meant: