Sapphire's Review Store 3.0

Review by Sunshine: Secret of Samudra

Title: Secret of Samudra

Author: Miss_Miracle1410

Reviewer: ray_of_sunshine9

Summary: 3.5/5

Your summary is very enchanting – it gives a glimpse of three very different times, three very different conflicts, and always leaves a hint of mystery for every single one, which is fantastic. I also love the stakes emphasised at the end, with the last avatar, and the rhetorical questions at the end were a great way to reel the readers in that extra bit.

However, I found a lack of cohesion throughout the summary. Who in Kali and why are they important? The fabled girl comes out of nowhere – is she the unexpected source that is mentioned at the start? How do all the stories interrelate? I think you just need to make sure each element in your summary is connected, otherwise it feels a bit overwhelming.

Otherwise, well done on keeping this summary very polished!

Grammar: 2/5

Overall, this part of your story needs quite a far bit of polishing. I thought we'd go through a few examples so you know exactly what to correct.

First of all, tenses. You keep jumping back and forth between past tense and present tense – all within the same paragraph or context. You need to keep tenses consistent. For example:

I walked through the gates, the two remains of the... [walked = past tense]

I run from there with no sense of direction. [run = present tense]

You need to go back and ensure your tenses are consistent.

Next, let's talk about dialogue and punctuation. When dialogue is followed by a verbal dialogue tag (such as 'he said', 'she whispered', 'they exclaimed – or anything referring to how the character says the words), there should be a comma before the closing inverted commas. If it's anything else, this comma should be replaced by a period (or a question mark for a question, and an exclamation mark for an exclamation). For example:

"I'll take care of you", I place his head on my lap.

Since the words following the dialogue are action, it should be:

"I'll talk care of you." I place his head on my lap.

On the other hand:

"I'm serious.". I said deadpanned.

Since 'I said' is a dialogue tag, it should be:

"I'm serious," I said, deadpanned.

And also, don't put a space between the opening inverted commas and the dialogue. For example:

" Why did you bring us here..."

It should be:

"Why did you bring us here..."

And look out for minor errors, such as:

Outside, the town looked too empty with not a single citizen insight.

'Insight' is a completely different word, kind of like when one has an understanding or certain perception of something. In this case, you needed to write 'in sight' as two separate words. 

Characterisation: 3/5

So, your characters show quite a bit of personality throughout your chapters. I liked meeting Dilber, as his intelligence shines, but he also proves to be someone who aims to please and impress – as he is introduced to us while he's feeling terrible for letting people down (only to find out he hasn't).

I do love Mishti's character – she is very headstrong. And, of course, there's our protagonist, Devina. She feels very balanced, but she also is highlighted to be the protagonist by proving that she's tough – she literally carries the unconscious prince and supports his body weight by herself, to the surprise of the other characters who are watching.

The main issue I found with characterisation was that there was so much telling, and such a quick pace, that it was difficult to really immerse myself into these characters. I'll talk about this more in the next section to avoid redundancy.

Writing Style: 2/5

I mentioned earlier that it was hard to engage with the characters, but I think that's less about the characters themselves and more about the writing. Because, honestly, the writing was way too fast-paced, and there was minimal description that could allow the reader to envision the moment.

Mind you, fast-paced stories are great – they are gripping. But they still have to carry some description to make sure each moment has weight and impact.

There was minimal description of what the caves looked like, as well as what the people looked like, making it rather difficult to immerse myself as a reader because I wasn't sure what to envision in my head. There is also a lack of figurative language used to make the writing flourish – such as personification, simile, and metaphor, which can help engage a reader more and make it more individual to the writer.

Let's go through some examples about fleshing out certain moments to give you a clearer understanding:

Especially when he couldn't place a finger where these foreigners came from, judging by their weird outfits.

Pause. That's a perfect opportunity for some description. Instead of saying 'weird outfits', describe it for us. What do they look like? What about it makes it weird? How is it different in comparison to 'normal clothing'? If we were in this world, what colours and textures would we be looking at?

A sharp knife slits his throat open as the lifeless body falls to the ground.

In this case, you could have fleshed it out so much more. Slow the pace down. What does it look like as the knife slides through skin? The blood? The sounds he would have made? The thump of the body on the floor? More, more, more, to make the moment feel more meaningful and threatening for the reader. 

Plot + Originality: 3/5

There is a lot of original and amazing stuff happening in here, and I must commend you on blending so many cool ideas – earthquakes, chanting statues and scriptures, blackened souls, and of course, travelling back in time. It's very heavy in creativity, which is fantastic.

However, the pace is too quick, and we are jumping way too much. We're going back and forth, flashbacks and present times, different settings and different time periods, and there is not enough information or description to help settle the reader into any of the new settings. Thus, it's hard to follow what is happening in the story and often feels overwhelming.

For example, let's think about that scene with Kalia and the purple fumes and the shining birthmark – you kept jumping back and forth to see Mishti getting upset because she wants to save her friend. That's great because of character development, but without any clear breaks in the chapter, it made the moment lose impact. There was no build of the intensity because of that constant flicker.

Slow down the pace. Make sure that each chapter itself flows and has a clear beginning, middle, and ending hook. 

OVERALL SCORE: 13.5/25

Overall, lots of promising elements to your story. Just work on slowing down the pace and keeping tenses consistent and you'll be good to go. I hope this review helps!