Sapphire's Review Store 3.0

Review by Faye: Falling for my Enemy

Title: Falling for my Enemy

Author: turkey222

Reviewer: Fayesther

Title + Cover: 5/5

Your title is straight-forward and to the point. I have no qualms with it at all.

I love your cover the picture is colourful and eye-catching. The red roses really compliment the rest of the colours used. The font suits the theme of the book and is clear to read.

If I were to pick on one thing, I would make the author name a bit bigger. Remember you are important too!

Description: 4/5

This is a well thought out description, it is clear and gives just enough information to hook potential readers.

I did notice a few tiny errors in the typing however. So I suggest having a quick edit to polish it up.

Grammar: 2/5

Although I managed to follow your story just fine, I did notice a few problems regarding grammar.

I found a few instances throughout where you would type the wrong word in a sentence making the meaning of what you are trying to communicate unclear.

Example:

"He just rolls his eyes and me and swiftly heads to the bathroom."- I believe "and" should be "at".

There are also times where you swap a word for a similarly spelt word that has a different meaning. When editing be very careful to keep an eye out for this.

There were also sentences where you started to write one way then changed your mind part-way through.

Example:

"I hear mom shouts from the porch,"

Possible edits:

"I hear mom shout from the porch,"

"Mom shouts from the porch,"

I noticed the occasional tense swap, which can be jarring for the reader as it interrupts the flow.

With dialogue make sure you don't forget to include closing punctuation.

Example:

"Good to see you Darler" Dad, "bro" hugs Jacob, (Also you have included unnecessary commas here)

Edit: "Good to see you Darler." Dad "bro" hugs Jacob.

In speech if the words being said are followed by an action end the speech with a full stop (or question mark etc...) and write the action as a separate sentence. If the speech has a speech tag, such as "she/he said etc... close the speech with a comma (or question mark etc but write the speech tag as part of the same sentence).

I also noticed that you made the common mistake of mixing up your, you're, their, there and they're.

Your- possessive, you're- you are

Their- possessive, there- place, they're- they are.

Writing Style: 4.5/5

I adore your style of writing! It was fun and refreshing to read. Your use of imagery was really well used.

I like that you include fleeting thoughts in italics- Autumn is so funny (I will talk more about her in a later section). I love her ironic quips! They were brilliant!

I loved how when Addy spoke quickly you merged her sentence into one word- that was fun and effective.

You are incredible at ending your chapters, the last sentences tie off the chapters beautifully as well as hook the reader into reading more.

When including flashbacks I personally think it is a bit much sign posting it as a flashback as well as pitting it into italics I think choosing one or the other would be better. (I lean towards the italics rather than sign-posting). Also calling a dream a flashback in the narration takes away from the authenticity of the narrator's voice- breaking the fourth wall a bit.

The description of the view from the landing plane was beautifully written, I could see the sparkles on the water's surface so clearly in my mind's eye! Gorgeous work!

I loved how the narrator describes physical things and emotions by comparing them to past experiences. E.g. describing the twins eyes and comparing them to the Miami waters that she viewed from the plane. That was really clever. You do this a lot throughout the book and I totally live for it!

I love how your descriptions of everyday things (such as reading a book) are written in a way that they seem whimsical and full of wonder!

A little nit pick that I wanted to point out writing wise is:

"Your welcome I woke you up, if mom found you still asleep she would behead you,"- rather than "welcome" I would put "lucky" and put an exclamation mark after "woke you up" and "behead you". I believe that will get the attitude in this thought across better.

Edited: "You're lucky I woke you up! If mom found you still asleep she would behead you!"

Characterisation: 5/5

Written in first person; you have managed to truly communicate your main character's (Autumn) personality well. She is youthful, fun and cheeky. She does not hide away from conflict and has a close relationship with each of her family members.

Addy is adorable and Carter is a carefree, popular 15 year old boy. You managed to authentically write what makes these two as individuals tick in small bursts which I found incredibly impressive. You also shared information about what they look like physically subtly in your writing so I could clearly picture them in my mind and to top it off this information did not seem at all crow-barred in. Well done!

The twins and little Summer are lovely! So welcoming, I wouldn't mind living with them. Girls rule! This goes for Autumn's new pals at school too!

You tell the story from both Autumn's and Lucas' perspective, this is a very well thought out way to tell a story about enemies- it makes it more three dimensional.

I also have to say Lucas is gorgeous! I cannot wait to read more about him in both Autumn's perspective and his! Their chemistry is off the charts!

Plot: 5/5

The first chapter was a great way to start your story! It sets the fun, youthful tone perfectly with a superb scene showing a morning routine of a close family getting ready to move house. Nobody was overlooked and each character was described in great (yet not overwhelming) detail.

Packed full of information each chapter takes the reader on an authentic, teen life journey. Showing the raw emotions, the humour and the heart in every moment and interaction.

You held back on introducing Lucas (the enemy), not jumping into it too quickly. This is genius! You had me fully captured into your story! I couldn't wait to meet him and I had to keep reading! You're a sly one! (Which is a compliment believe me, lol). It was certainly worth the wait too!

Switching POV between the two "enemies" and describing the same lunch scene from different perspectives was a cool way to introduce Lucas' character.

OVERALL SCORE: 25.5/30

Now, overall thoughts... I love this story! You have brought your fantastic characters to life- not leaving anybody behind! (Even the school secretary was a three dimensional character)

You do have a few technical issues to iron out but that is easily sorted. Either go back over your work or hire an editor (there are plenty out there).

I certainly will be following your story and I can't wait to read what happens next!

Thank you so much for asking me to review your fire cracker of a teen story! I hope my feedback is helpful.