Title: Paint Me a Heart
Author: Superovkata
Reviewer: Stormsly
Title: 4/5
I like how it's about how Thomas asks Alice to paint her a heart and stuff. I'd rate it 5/5, but I don't like how you rushed that scene. And most importantly, how you didn't weave the words, correctly.
Spelling: 10/10
I didn't see any spelling errors in this department, so good job!
Punctuation: 6/10
You spelled all the words good and all, but your punctuation was lacking its potential. A very common grammar I have seen throughout my time reading Wattpad books. The punctuation. In kindergarten teachers have taught us a period is needed to end a sentence. That falters in writing, though.
A very throughout lesson; a comma is needed when: "Alice, stay at that pose, but let me just get that off," my best friend Linda said as she bends to remove a leaf from my face.
Because there is a dialogue tag after.
But a period is needed when:
"Alice stay at that pose, but let me just get that off."
See? There is no tag after that sentence, so we use a period.
Description: 4/10
This is very common!
You describe too little or too much.
Just a good opinion, when you write your character art and reveal, for example, Thomas: Singer, lead guitar at band and etc. You should remove that. When making a book, don't tell the readers, show them. What would you prefer?
Hi, my name is, Kia, and I'm super famous and even have a manager, called Lia, that helps me manage my fame since I'm still in school.
Or:
"Kia!" Lia my manager yelled. "You have school in ten minutes, but the amount of paparazzi outside might make you late!"
Already, the reader knows Kia is famous and is still in school.
Understand, how the second one shows the reader that Kia is famous but the first one tells the reader that Kia is famous.
For a more exact example, for Linda, etc...likes to wear crop tops and shorts. Maybe each time Linda is introduced into a scene, describe her clothing (crop tops and shorts). The reader, (if they have been paying attention) will soon figure out the pattern that she loves to wear crop tops and shorts (henceforth you might get a lot of funny comments about that c: )
You can keep the character cast if you want, but I'd recommend you remove the telling part.
In the first chapter, I saw you have trouble showing not telling, and you have information clumps.
Linda is Korean. Telling.
Her family moved to our city because of a job her father had to take etc. Information Clump.
YOU ARE READING
Sapphire's Review Store 3.0
Non-FictionSince both our first and second review stores have exceeded 200 chapters (with a grand total of 379 reviews published), I am opening up this third book to fit in all of our future reviews. Yay team! We are still OPEN to requests, however, this book...
