Sapphire's Review Store 3.0

Review by Sunshine: When I Leave

Title: When I Leave

Author: ninjacookiecutters

Reviewer: ray_of_sunshine9

Summary: 2/5

The start of your summary was brilliant and captivating, and the way you introduced your story was nothing short of gripping. The way you introduced The Infected and a bit of background was succinct but effective, and it's told in a dramatic way that leaves an impact – almost like a news report itself.

However, from there, it just didn't have enough. When you introduce characters, introduce them in a purposeful way that makes the reader instantly want to root for them. Who is Kyle? Who is Annalise? Why is she the only thing Kyle has left and why should we care?

Additionally, you have this amazing set up about The Infected – but there is no link between that and the final rhetorical question. Do one of them become infected? What are the stakes? What is the driving conflict, and what will we actually be reading about? Because there's no tie between Kyle/Annalise and the set-up at the beginning of the summary, there's a slight lack of coherence and the reader isn't quite sure what they're reading and why they should be cheering for the protagonist. I suggest fleshing out your summary so that it is fluent throughout and clearly shows the characters, conflict and stakes. 

Grammar: 4/5

Your grammar was very polished! There was only one consistent grammatical error I could find, and other than that, I didn't catch any other glaring issues. So, let's quickly go through that one error.

First of all, I must commend you on creating a relatable protagonist in Jess – one who binges junk food while listening to sad music. It's very sweet to see how much Alec adores her, as well as how he just can't forget about her no matter how much he tries. The ending of your story was also quite sweet; three years later, and they meet each other as ghosts of the past. I think the open-ended ending works for your story.

"Yes, I trust you." Kyle shouted.

It should be:

"Yes, I trust you," Kyle shouted.

Another example:

"Don't use that tone with me." He hissed through clenched teeth.

It should be:

"Don't use that tone with me," he hissed through clenched teeth.

Another thing is that when dialogue ends with an exclamation mark or question mark, it's treated like a comma in that the following word will begin with an uncapitalized letter. For example:

"Call Kyle!" She whispered desperately.

It should be:

"Call Kyle!" she whispered desperately. 

Characterisation: 3.5/5

You know, what I really found fascinating was that, right from the start, Annalise and Kyle are very sweet to one another and their love is set up very quickly. Which, I think, was super interesting because, unlike most stories, it took an opposite turn – as the story progressed, that love disintegrated. We see Kyle yell at Annalise about the world falling on his shoulders, and later on, he even calls her a wimp and doesn't think she can be a hero. Can't wait to see her prove him wrong!