First of all, thank you for taking the time to hear me out. I know I can say this because you are clearly reading this letter. Terrible joke I know. You can thank Jin for serving me my coffee each morning for that. But this isn't the time for jokes.
I would like to start out by obviously saying sorry. Sorry for everything I ever put you through. I know a simple sorry won't cut it so how about some confessions?
I'm sure you remember clear as day all the disgusting things I put you through. But there's some things I hid from you, some despicable things I am ashamed of but you need to know.
I need to get everything off of my chest before I can even begin to ask you for forgiveness. Which I know you don't think I deserve. But please give me this chance.
First of all, my infidelity. I met her the night you went home sick from the club. She had seen us together before you left but still pursued me, should have known there and then that she was no good. But I didn't, I was weak and I gave into temptation. I never had feelings towards her but she was different, exciting, reckless. I guess that's what drew me in. But she still wasn't you.
The day you confronted me and left me was the toughest day of my life. I felt I had to put up a front to make you think you were the one that had lost me. But I lost you. The love of my life and I am full of regret every single day that I let you slip through my fingers.
The hardest thing for me to tell you is about how I drugged you. You were completely unaware and thought I was being sweet by cooking you meals and bringing you tea all the time. In fact the truth is, I grew to like doing those things for you. I liked taking care of you and see you rely on me. So I started to slip sleeping pills into your tea. To make you need me. To take away your energy and determination to leave me.
I would beat you, degrade you, bribe you and rape you and you still stayed. I feel like a monster for treating you the way I did. You know that's not me. I'm still the sweet man you once knew, I was just fighting demons in my mind. Demons that would constantly whisper in my ear. "She doesn't love you" "she's going to leave you" "what man can't satisfy his women?" "She loves him..."
I was battling with mental illness and didn't know it. I thought everything I was doing was coming from my love for you. I couldn't see abuse. All I could see was love and you leaving me again was my motivation to do anything possibly to keep you. Even terrify you into thinking you had to stay.
But I'm better now. The demons have left my mind and I am stable. I went to college and got my degree and am now working for my farther.
I never stopped seeing a therapist, even after the time the court had set had ran out. We have been working together to get me back to being me. Taking steps to put everything behind me.
Step one: Admit faults Step two: understand what's right and wrong Step three: anger management Step four: move on Step five: self love Step six: selflessness Step seven: forgiveness
The last step cannot be completed without you. I need for us to be able to move past everything so we can live our lives. You to live without fear and me to live knowing that my sins have been forgiven.
I was a disgusting human being. I know you think I should rot in hell. And I agree. But as long as I'm still walking the earth, I want to do it with peace in my heart.
You are incredible women Y/N and I'm an idiot. I always think to myself 'what if?' What if I never cheated? Would we still be together?
I heard you and Taehyung are married now. Congratulations. I really hope he cherishes you. You deserve nothing but happiness. He is a very lucky man.
Please think about it deeply. Contemplate. Don't jump in feet first thinking you can't forgive me. Talk to Tae about it. Bring him with you when you come to give me your answer if you like.
Just please don't let him punch me again.... or your mum in fact.
9am in the cafe. I hope to see you then.
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