I wish I could stop thinking. I wish I could not care.
Its best right? Its not healthy to keep caring for someone when you can't really. When they're lost to you.
But here I am going thru all my thoughts again. Of all the people I still love deeply. Ones I knew like the back of my hand or the strum of a guitar. The ones I miss more than anything.
I wonder how they are... how they're feeling. I wonder if they ever think of me. If they miss me too.
I wonder if they're having fun and if they smile a lot and I hope they do. I hope they're safe and happy.
And sometimes my heart just aches for them. Like its ripping inside my chest.
For the future I saw in them. That part thats lost. The one I've seen in dreams where im with them.
I shouldn't right? Because after all they're the ones that decided.... not to be in mine anymore.
But shit. How do you just turn off those feelings? How do you turn off love?
I've never been able to do it. Not for my family or my old best friend. Not for people that have been... so important to me ive never even told them.
It makes me feel weak.
Because it seems like they just go on without a care. Do they remember me? Or do they just shut themselves off to their memories of me.
Jackson remembers me. Lauren told me he saw a picture of me in one of his books Beck made for him. He pointed to it excitedly, "Cassie!," he said. I wonder if he wonders where I am or why he hasn't seen me. I wonder where they've told him I am. I was surprised he remembered my name.
Acacia messages me sometimes and I can tell she misses me a lot but I can also tell she's not happy. Like a shell of a person. Already. I dont know when or if I'll see her again.
My heart just does all this fucking aching for my people. Theyre mine. But im not theirs. Not anymore.
I know its not healthy. Its a waste of energy as I've been told. Im wasting my energy even caring anymore.
But I dont know how because once I love someone, its for good, almost always.
Im doing better now. I respect myself more, and value myself, I know my worth. Ive known for a long time.
I know I should move on. Try and forget.
Find my own family, or make it. Find people who don't betray me, or lie. Find friends that are steady. Someone to rely on that isn't shaky.
But who the fuck am I supposed to trust? If they leave then who won't? How do I learn how to trust again when the past year broke every single branch of trust I had. The idea of trust seems like a lie now. And starting again? It only makes me feel broken.
And its not so easy to forget their memories.
I play them whenever I'm reminded. And its like listening to an old favorite song.
And its not so easy to stop loving them.
Maybe that does make me weak. But I wouldn't want to be anyone else.
