Im so frustrated because its like... why have I backtracked so much the past few months?
God its so infuriating. I just miss who I used to be.
Motivated... inspired, happy. Fucking powerful.
I've pushed shit down. Tried to not think about it. To not think about people. And then it all just came rushing in.
And how I really felt about it all. I tried to not feel it... that loss. I tried to ignore that id lost at all. I just kept going... forced you out of my mind.
Forced myself not to think about everyone as much as I could
Rodin says I need to step into my divine feminine power. That my heart is a superpower.
I've always known it is. How big and full of love it is. How much my capacity to love is.
But sometimes I forget.
I have all this love in me.
And then sometimes I feel like...
How is my capacity for love a superpower if people just take advantage of it?
Rodin says, stepping into your divine feminine energy means setting up boundaries for yourself, demanding what you need emotionally from the people in your life. Otherwise what is the point of them being in your life?
If something is not serving you too then why keep it?
And I dont think I've ever done that fully. Firmly demanded and set up the right boundaries. Protected my own energy.
I've fooled myself into thinking I have. But its so easy for me to put myself and my needs behind someone elses.
If an argument or a disagreement doesn't make me mad enough then I just give up. Cuz I feel like no one hears me.
I feel like if I say how I feel or what I need from someone theyre just going to give up on me.
I feel like I'm too much, because I've been made to feel like I'm too much. By some toxic ass people in my past.
Too hard to love. Takes too much energy to love.
Why say what im feeling or what I need when they're not gonna care.
So many times it has happened like that.
And I dont know why I dont fight. Why I dont give people my motherfucking right mind and unleash a little hell from my tongue.
I dont fight. And I dont fight them if they want to go either.
I just let it go. I just let them leave.
And make myself forget.
Brush it the fuck away and force myself to not think about it. Act like it doesn't affect me.
Because I'm tired these days. And I dont have the energy to fight.
And I dont realize how bad it has gotten until I realize I cant stand to sit with my own thoughts in silence for five fucking minutes.
God its maddening.
To be alone in your own mind sometimes. With memories of all these people.
To be so second guessing.
Should I have done this? Should I have been more vulnerable? Shown how they hurt me instead of acting like im fine all the time.
Should I have told them I loved them one more time before we never spoke again?
Should I try again?
I think I need to find a happy medium.
I think I need to firmly set boundaries out of love for myself. But still take the time to force myself to process sometimes.
Force myself to feel the things im supposed to.
Grief is just part of losing someone important. Its normal.
We are supposed to feel it so we can move on.
And thats why I write this. Half the things I write here I never post. Half of them I do.
I dont know why. But i know I have to force myself to sit in my own thoughts on occasion. Because I need to take care of myself. And think about what I need instead of automatically thinking about how I could help others first.
Its okay to want to help people, but not if you dont help yourself first.
Its also okay to be selfish.
I want to take better care of myself again. Figure out what I really want and need
Cuz for a long time i was doing such a good job. I was proud of myself. And then so much shit happened and it just wore me down.
And I blamed myself. Let the way people treated me make me feel like I shouldn't demand love.
Or like I didn't deserve it.
I 100% the fuck do.
And I deserve to be loved so fully.
I deserve so fucking much. And sometimes I just have to reassure myself of that.
We all do.
So I guess if youre reading this then tell yourself how much you deserve it. Because you do sweet soul.
Youre so worthy of love.
Maybe reading an old depressed bitch rant about the road to truly loving and respecting yourself will inspire you to level up like im trying to encourage myself to do.
Set the boundaries you need to, firmly demand what you need from your people. Demand respect from the people youre close to. And if they make you feel like you're too much or not enough or too hard to love then they don't deserve you. Theyre not for you. Move on.
Protect your heart because it is your superpower.
