Sometimes when I'm alone and the night is quiet and I'm thinking too much, I wish someone would hurt me.
Not in like a sexual way or a kinky way.
I just remember how good it felt when I was a kid and I'd spend the whole day outside, in the grass and mud, on my bike or skateboard, on some adventures with my friends.
I would be a little reckless, crash my bike or skin my knee on pavement. Rip off a little skin, bruise myself up good. And at night I would come home and yeah I would be a little sore, but it made me feel like I'd really lived that day.
I don't know if it's because feeling physical pain to me has always been easier than feeling the depth of emotional pain, or feeling my own self hatred, but sometimes when I get too in my head and overthink too much, I wish someone would just beat me bloody.
I've always kinda liked being hit.
Whether it's in a fight or being smacked by a pretty girl it doesn't matter. I'm kinda fucked up like that and I don't really know why.
It's fine. I'm fine. I'll be starting therapy soon.
But I really do think about it. Going out to a bar or club. It would be so easy to pick a fight with anyone and just not even try. It would be so easy to lose. And then I wouldn't have to think. I could just get knocked out. Feel their fists connect with my face and leave color. Wake up with that satisfying pain of the bruises. The soreness. I would maybe feel a little more alive.
It sounds pretty dark. And maybe it is. Maybe I just need a simple black eye one of these days. Maybe I'm just bored with life.
I've been trying to hold on. Be open to new possibilities. I'm trying to keep finding things to survive for. But then there's nights when I just do nothing but fucking blame myself for all the loss. And I would rather be knocked the fuck out than to feel this fucking unlovable.
I blame myself for it all and I don't know why. It's so exhausting. And that's why I've been the one to punish myself before. I have the scars to prove it. The way my hands hurt sometimes when it rains. I can feel it in my bones.
Deep down I just desperately wanna feel a little more alive again. I feel joy sometimes, but passion. That fire I used to feel for everything is gone.
And the only thing that's ever forced fire out of me when there's none left is pain and anger.
And I've been so fucking angry now. For months without remorse. At anything and everything. It's like anger is the only bad emotion I let myself feel.
It's kinda like desperate times call for desperate measures. And I need to be a little reckless here, take some chances.
I miss my passion so much, because when it's there it's stronger than anything and it cant be beat or defeated.
I'm stronger in my passion than I've ever been in my anger. My love... it's so much more pure and it's like an endless well when it's flowing. My anger is just like a bit of gasoline thrown on a fire.
I don't know what's really wrong with me. A fucking lot.
I just want to live thru a few more bruises and scrapes. Because my life has always been nothing but wild. And I don't care if I come out with bruises, hell even a few scars. I just need to feel myself again.
I just need to find myself again.
Wild is the only way I know that really makes me feel alive.
