Its amazing how sometimes I almost forget who you really are deep down. Who you can be.
We laugh. We're good for a while, maybe a long time, without tearing each others heads off. And then...
I forget that when something pisses you off you suddenly snap and then your inner bully comes out. And it is ugly, and scary.
You tell me I'm smart and talented one minute and the moment I disagree with you or you dont get your way I'm a stupid fucking bitch. Useless. A fucking cunt. Worthless.
Do you even hear the things you say? Do you even think about how your words have affected me? Shaped me? Do you even care?
You're the one that taught me not to trust.
You're the one that made me paranoid of everyone, even the people that supposedly love me. You're why I suspect everyone's just out for themselves.
Because I'm only worth something to you when I'm agreeing. When I'm doing things you want.
You helped me to understand manipulators.
Helped me to see their tactics. The way they are clever to get their way and exploit.
To play people's feelings and use them.
Thank you.
You yelled at me tonight. Screamed at me because of something so stupid. I was just trying to help you but you take everything as an attack.
It has been a long time since someone really yelled at me, and got in my face like you did.
It had been years since i actually felt afraid of you, since you'd said such deeply hurtful things. The fear only lasted a moment before I was telling you to just leave. Threatening to call the police if you didnt relax. You picked up your glass and threw it at me and it shattered on the tile.
I wish you would have just hit me.
I wonder why sometimes I feel like I deserve to walk around with a black eye. I almost crave the sting of it.
And then I remember its probably because of the words that have stuck in my head since I was a child. You tend to remember the bad experiences more vividly than the good ones. And all the times you told me I was shit added up. All the times you kicked me out of the house when I little and I had to sleep outside at the park in the worst of neighborhoods or at a neighbors or at a friends house shaped me.
Maybe that's why no place ever feels like home. No place truly feels safe.
I forget who you can be. I forget because most of the time now you're so calm. So gentle sometimes. Funny. You have changed a lot.
But then all the sudden you're snapping and turning into the person that only comes out when I say one wrong thing.
And then you apologize and the cycle continues. You say you're sorry and you wont do it again.
But do people like that really change?
I dont think you ever will, dad. You've had your whole life. You had me and mom to mistreat. And you loved us but you never wanted to change for us.
You convinced her of the best side of you, promised her youd do better, be kinder. You told her how sorry you were, sugarcoated your words until she believed you because she naively wanted you to love her purely and unconditionally. And at what cost? She spent her whole life being let down, listening to convincing apologies until she'd finally had enough.
I never want to be like you. I never want to yell and scream at the people I love because I didn't get my way or agree. I never want to scare them.
I didnt let a shitty situation shape me into a bully. And I hope to god I never will.
One of the things i love most about myself is that I'm so gentle with who I love and i intend to keep it that way. I will never be like you. I will never hurt the people I'm close to. I will never use my strength to attempt to harm someone i care about. Only to protect them. I will always try to bite down on my tongue and think before I lash out with my words and yell something wounding that cant be unsaid.
Someday when I have kids I will never be a parent that yells at my child or makes them feel unsafe or afraid of me. Or trains them that they cant trust and believe in the people closest.
You can decide to be different. You can shape yourself and make a better life.
So thank you dad, for teaching me exactly who I dont want to be when I'm angry.
