God I feel so torn.
But also thankful.
So many people want my time and energy these days. But it's all from a place of love and appreciation.
I feel like a magnet. Like all this positivity I'm receiving and attention I'm getting? Where did it come from?
Out of nowhere.
I'm wondering if all this work I've been doing has affected my energy and is paying its dues by attracting all kinds of good things to me.
I had been working hard. Keeping my head down. Hunting quietly.
I've been changing the way I think and I'm proud of myself for it.
I've been getting stronger. Physically and mentally.
I'm training myself to be a leader. I'm training myself to be more determined than ever and it feels so fucking good.
I'm focused. I'm calm. I'm at peace.
And that almost scares me a bit.
Because I've felt too good so something must be looming. Everytime I feel really good something bad this way comes.
But there is no place for worry. Because then you just put yourself through the anxiety twice. And I'm trying to remember that. The shit storm will always hit at any time no matter what. So I better be prepared to shelter myself either way.
I'm really trying to better myself. And one of my bad qualities is how much I've worried and tend to worry. And I'm trying to fix that.
I really want to become the best version of myself. Because it makes me happier when I try this hard. Makes me value myself even more. Makes me proud as fuck to be me. I wouldnt wish to be any fucking body else.
And I have a long way to go. And I'll never be done trying.
But look how fucking far I've come.
Wow.
And the better I become, the more I'll be able to help people. Especially the ones that need me. The ones that rely on me.
I hope maybe that is why so many new people have been attracted into my life the past few months also.
People that have become irreplaceably important to me. Priceless. People I cherish. People that are there for me just like I am there for them.
I want to help people. I want to elevate my energy along with others who are also on this journey with me.
I've had such an awakening into my power and I think leaving negative energy behind me has been so beneficial, even though it is hard.
My family. The ones I was supposed to always be able to rely on. I still havent finished processing their loss. And it will take a long time to do so. But it's almost like with the loss of their pressure and stagnant energy I have been able to focus myself and my drive.
And all the positive energy that has recently been drawn in to me I feel very thankful for. And it came at the right time.
All the affection and attention has made me feel appreciated and I really do deserve it honestly.
But at the same time I feel torn.
I've never felt my time and energy being pulled in so many directions.
Mostly I just want what's truly genuine. I want to be able to truly trust my decisions, and trust those worthy of my confidence. Not to second guess their reason for wanting me. Not to wonder if I'm just... needed for a reason. Just for now. Just because I'm there for them. Just because I'm pleasing them.
Because I am a treasure and I have been all along. I have such a good heart and when I care for people it is pure.
And I dont want my heart made a fool by anyone. I wont be careless with it.
I will be patient. I will continue working and striving to become the best version of myself.
When I make mistakes I will check myself and learn.
When I realize I've made a wrong decision I will correct and try harder.
I am more determined than ever to accomplish my dreams and goals.
This life can be so beautiful and lovely if you decide to focus on the right things. And even in the midst of all this chaos there is so much to look forward to.
So much to enjoy in the moment.
And for now this moment is all mine.
