I know its really hard.
You feel like... you're drowning sometimes. That panic that swells up in your chest, your brain stuttering over the idea that you might not take another breath.
I know that feeling.
I know how hopeless it feels to stop thrashing, to accept your situation. To just calmly go motionless and let the serene sense of acceptance wash over you. I've went silent, stared blankly at the sky from underneath the surface of the water for a while.
Surrender.
Let go.
It's so quiet.
The silence is deafening when you let everything go.
When you just stop fighting.
In my heart there is a riot, but my lungs are so tired.
I get so worn every time I wake up after these dreams. These fucking nightmares.
They haunt me.
All the people I've lost.
How I miss them so.
I'm afraid I will never stop, losing and missing. Chasing ghosts in my memories. They laugh at me.
And every time I wake up crying and alone I just stare at the ceiling like I'm staring up at the surface from beneath the water.
And I try to let them all go. My brain panics over the idea that I wont see them again.
And I breathe but my throat just burns.
And I try to forget.
And I try to will my love away because now it's only reduced to pain, and missing.
And I breathe in.
And I surrender.
I'm only drowning.
