I really miss being so into...
Things people life.
I miss having that passion.
That sense of... wonder.
It's been a while since I was filled with overwhelming joy for something.
My joy is slowly but surely here again... but its not overwhelming.
It doesn't bubble out of me like laughter, or form on my face like a smile, uncontrollable.
I laugh, I smile, a lot theses days. But passion?
Thats a feeling few and far between.
It's been a long time since I wanted.
I used to want things with a ferocity. I used to work for things with a determination that could not be broken by anything.
And then i lost my hope for everything. I lost hope in myself. I felt like because certain people didn't love me or certain people didn't stay or because I wasn't where I wanted to be on a lot, that I would end up alone. End up disappointed in myself.
And I let it kill my passion.
When deep down in my core I know how fucking much I'm capable of.
I feel like a volcano, simmering and spewing little bits of lava, thats just on the verge of eruption.
That fire, that zest for all the things I love. It's boiling right underneath the surface I can feel it. And if I can only tap into it again I know im going to transform myself yet again and be even more beautiful of a human being than I was before.
My passion was always one of my favorite things about myself.
My deep love. My love has always been loyal. And I just want it to come back to me.
When I love I love so deeply. And I just want to feel that part again.
I wanna not just exist. I want to do more than survive and make it through each day instead of just functioning and working myself to exhaustion so I don't have to think about the hard things.
I've already worked on that.
But I want to love again. I want to let this fire fucking burn everything to the ground and laugh in the face of its flames.
I want to lay exhausted and sore in bed every night with a smug smile on my face because i know I'm kicking life's ass and finally happy with myself again.
I'm going to do it again.
Pick yourself up. Dust yourself off. Again and again.
I'm never giving up. Because I love life too much. And I'm just back to remembering that.
I am strength and love. I will get my passion back.
I will attract all that is meant for me. And what's not meant for me can be on its way.
I will work harder and let myself feel the joys of this experience.
I will continue opening myself up to people that come to me with good energy. And be open to all these beautiful new possibilities.
