There's such a craving again.
This hunger for more.
I'm tired of the routine. Sick of my apartment and the same old days.
I want so much all at once.
Possibilities of the rest of my life spiral through my mind.
The grand adventures I want to go on. The beautiful lands I will see. The feasts I will devour. The gorgeous women that will tease my eyes. Pictures I'll capture. Comforts I will experience.
I'm getting determined once again.
I'm picking myself up and transforming.
I'm feeling it again. That drive. That passion. That undeniable life in my blood that pushes me to hunt for the things I want.
I want the strength im always struggling to work towards. The power. The wisdom.
All these years. All this tragedy, abandonment, pain, suffering.
Some days I feel old. Like I've lived a whole life in a half of one.
I'd be lucky to make it to 60. With the way the world is... the way people are.
I won't ever grow old I don't think. And it already feels like I have... when the pain gets overwhelming. All this loss.
But here I still am. Getting motivated again. For another year of life. To stay, to pick myself up and fucking live through the grit of my teeth.
It feels so good to want again.
To desire...
To feel something.
It feels so amazing to have that zest again.
I knew it would come back even after it was stolen from me.
I knew I'd never fully lost it.
I just needed some time alone to feel again...
No one can ever ruin that for me. At least not forever.
So here I am with this old heart ready again.
To try to love my life.
I love so hard and so deep and so loyal. And once it's there... it's never really gone.
And it was gone for a while but it has returned.
I will try again. And I will love again.
Love myself for staying. Love my people and my little wolves. Love the woods and the sky and the sun and moon and stars.
I'll love my tires on the highway headed somewhere im not sure of yet.
I'll love the feel of my fingers plucking strings and the sound of my voice all alone.
I'll love my mind for the things it can create. For the way it is so complicated, so deep and impressive.
I'll love my own quiet company without the expectations or judgement from anyone and I won't give a motherfucking rats dick about what anyone thinks of little old me.
I will take care of myself. I will love myself.
I will try to always keep wanting. To keep this feeling of newness.
To try to be excited for something more.
Because water understands feeling. And once something is put into feeling for me it is fixed and my determination will flow with it like a winding river.
I want so much again. I want new friends and new experiences.
I want to trust again. I want to try and give my love to good people again.
I have hope. Not all people are bad. This I know. Not all people break your trust. Not all people leave. Not all people stop loving.
And I want to find better people.
Better friends and family who are dependable and secure and not filled with judgement. People who want to be mine. It's so much for me to want that again and I'm so proud of myself.
And someday I want to make my own family.
Whether that's in another amazing person who wants to share this little life with me, who wants to enjoy the greatest adventures and pleasures and comforts we can possibly find. Or just in some damn dogs I adopt and the open road. Or all of the above.
It will be a great family either way.
And it will be secure and protected by me and loved so very much. And that love won't ever be broken or stolen. Thats the main thing I want out of this life someday. That feeling of safety with someone. Who I can make my person.
And I know that in my heart. Because my heart is gentle and deep and trusting and dependable and safe and full of so very much love still.
Even after everything I aint never lost that.
And after everything I havent lost this feeling that I'm so grateful for. This energy is a welcome old friend and I'm glad for its presence again.
