I love the feeling of losing my mind these days.
I like being lost in nothing but my imagination.
I was high every day last week and it was just so nice to have happy little thoughts.
My body has been a nice careful mix of weed and prescriptions and all of it combined makes me feel delicious. Like I can go anywhere if I want to without even getting off my couch.
My happy little drugs.
Maybe it's bad for my health. But I think me caring about that is low on my list of priorities.
I think I finally get why. It's helping me stay. For now.
Til I can figure my shit out.
I stopped thinking about things a while back.
Again.
But being high is like...: thinking and not. Thinking about fun things and deep things but not bad things. For me anyways.
My mind is full of beautiful places I've seen in photographs that I've never been to but in my brain when I'm alone it feels like I'm there. My imagination is so potent when I'm on a drug.
So I don't really care what's real then.
I see sunsets and pretty girls and warmth and think about the secrets of life. And then forget them. Because I'm high.
I stopped writing on here because I felt like no one really cares. In general not just on this stupid app. And then I remember. I started this writing bullshit for me didn't I?
Why do I give a fuck if anyone cares.
Why did I stop doing some things I did just for me?
My life has been a wild fucking adventure. Full of fun and laughter. The deepest pain. The most longing romance. Breathtaking beauty.
Why shouldn't I write about it for me. And let myself continue feeling my feelings even if all I wanna feel right now is my happy little imagination world where I can be a traveler and philosopher and romantic and in the real world im just a giggling idiot and that's okay.
I love lettting my brain slide down into the couch and watching the air float around in waves.
I see my people behind my eyelids and they smile at me. They say welcome friend. And we are not strangers again.
I feel old and young all in one. I feel the years of my life wind together like an old dirt road just before night. Sometimes my memories rush past me like im driving. I let them go with a wistful smile.
My friend told me a while back to stop trying so hard. And that has stuck with me.
Maybe we are just here to feel. For the experience.
So if it's all not real anyways then I'll make a happy little place in my head and go out when the weather is nice and feel all the things my heart desires.
I miss feeling that want. For real.
I miss the wanting more than anything.
And losing my mind for a while makes me feel light. I forget what's lacking because everything is right there.
It's okay to be lost.
