I didnt even know it was today.
I didnt even realize.
It's funny because I dreamt about you... I dont remember what we were doing. Something ordinary... nothing special. But I remember feeling happy.
I woke up again and couldn't sleep. The rain has been pouring for hours and I'm afraid my living room is going to flood.
I wish it would. I wish it would never stop raining and I wish the water would rise up and swallow me whole and carry me off.
I wish I could cry about you right now but I can't.
I want to.
Sometimes I can't control it. Its like sometimes when I miss you a lot it just overtakes me and I fucking lose it. And other times I'm so sad and just nothing.
Today is mothers day. And to the couple of people that read this... that I have no idea why or who you are... if you have a mother that's living and loves you... please be kind to her today. Please hug her and thank her and love her because you won't always have her.
Mom I wish so much that I could hug you one more time. I wish even on a day where it's pouring and it never stops thats we could spend the day together. Sit under the pitter patter roof and talk about everything that's happened since you left.
You left way too soon. I wasn't ready to lose you. But I never would have been.
So much has happened. I'm so different. I'm more serious now. Older. I look older.
I wonder if you'd recognize me in a crowd.
I'd like to think that you'd be proud of me. I know not in every way... but in some ways.
I'm still here. I'm still surviving. I'm trying to make some happy times. Enjoy my life when I can.
It's such a hard life isn't it. If anything I'm glad you don't have to be in any pain or feel any worry. I hope wherever you are you don't.
I'm sorry I haven't kept my promise. I dont think I'll ever forgive myself. But I just didn't want you to worry. I told you what you wanted to hear.
It kills me that I have to struggle to remember the exact sound of your voice now. I had a panic attack about it a few weeks ago. It gave me that same panic after you had just died because it's like oh shit this is really real and you're really gone forever. I wont ever hear voice in person or have another moment with you and thats so fucking scary.
I have recordings of your voice though.. but its hard to listen to them. Just instantly makes me lose it.
I feel alone a lot of times. But that's okay. I'd rather be alone than be sad around people that are supposed to love me but don't.
I've just learned not to expect much.
Some people can be pretty good though. But no one is as good a friend as you were. I'm different because of you. Because of how kind and patient and loving you were with me... I realize I'm different than most people. My heart is so big. Maybe too much. But I wouldn't change it because you're the one that gave it to me.
You gave me my ears, my nose, my freckles,, my gentleness, my love, and my big ole heart.
You gave me my love for adventure, my ability to be a good listener, my excitement for life and the way I look at things. I can see possibilities in everything and you gave me the ability to look at the good side of things even when most everything is bad.
So here I am looking at some of the good things.
You taught me how to talk, walk, take care of myself and showed me how to be generous. You played with me and nourished my imagination. Told me I could do whatever I put my mind to. You comforted me when I was sad or hurt, you worried about me when I was down, you cooked me countless meals and read me books at bedtime.
You were the best friend I've ever had. The best listening ear. The most trusted soul.
And most of all you taught me how to love unconditionally in a way that I can only hope to live up to someday.
Because we walked that one road together I can walk all others now.
I still feel your love for me. It's still here with me even if you're not. Its in who you made me to be.
The magnitude of how much I miss you, how much I ache down to my soul that you're not here cannot ever truly be put into words.
Sadly it can only be felt.
And the grief I feel when I miss you...
That pain we feel when we lose someone? It's because all the love we feel for them suddenly has nowhere to go.
The opposite of grief is not laughter or happiness or joy.
It is love.
And so we must not learn to live without that person
But to live only with the love they left behind.
And im doing my very best mom. I love you.
