Two weeks ago I was outted to my family. Forced to tell them that I am gay and a two hour long conversation unsued, with them explaining to me how I'm going to die for who I am when God brings judgment.
For two hours they reacted in a mix of emotions ranging from shocked and horrified to... judgemental and antagonistic.
My aunt tried to convince me that this isnt who I really am, its just because of an imbalance in my hormones, or based on the depression I've struggled with.
They tried to explain that I only feel this way because of the times I was sexually abused as a small child. Well, toddler.
They tried to say that if I lived my life this way I'd never truly be happy.
They tried to guilt trip me, that my lifestyle was hurting them. They tried to guilt me with my dead mother, telling me how disappointed she would be in me.
My aunt cried in my face, begging me to turn back to her religion. Pleading with me, telling me that if I only prayed hard enough I wouldn't feel this way anymore, telling me they could get help for me. Asking if I had ever even tried being with a man.
I literally bawled in front of them when she brought up my mother and told me that my mom wouldnt want to talk to me anymore if she was alive.
I cried until my face and eyes were red.
I fought for myself and stood up for myself until I had nothing left to say.
I told my aunt how hard she was to talk to. Admitted that was the reason why I'd never told her when she frustratingly asked me why I'd never come out to them. Told her that she had very strong opinions on things and wasnt very empathetic. Her response was to tell me that no, in fact, she was very easy to talk to and it wasnt her fault that I hadn't confided in her.
They tried to convince and guilt trip and scold until they were blue in the face, and I took it all. I tried to leave a few times but everytime someone blocked me from the door.
I havent felt that alone in a long time.
Finally I just went quiet because I realized my words didnt matter to the people that were supposed to love me.
They normally dont so I dont know why they would now honestly.
How I feel doesnt matter.
Finally they let me leave because they realized I wasnt going to budge.
I cried and screamed the whole way home, shutting my eyes sometimes and hoping I would drift off the road because I knew nothing would ever be the same.
When I got home, I parked my car and shook in anger and cried some more. And my neighbour, the person that outted me to them that was supposed to be my friend and had promised me she wouldnt tell anyone, stopped next to my car and asked if I was alright.
I got out of my car and yelled at her. Fucking screamed in the parking lot and asked why she had done what she did. Her response was that my family "deserved to know the truth because i was just hurting and disappointing them. It wasnt fair or right of me to keep lying to them"
I was hurting them?
And yet I was the one that had cried nearly to the point of throwing up for the previous two hours?
I dont know how in the fucking world this situation always happens to me, that i am always made out to be the fucking villian. I dont know why I was even surprised when this is just the usual.
Me being gay is a part of my fucking identity. It was my truth to tell and my choice whether or not to tell them and I chose not to because I knew they wouldnt be able to handle that.
