Im trying to be more open.
With my feelings again. With my thoughts about things. I'm forcing myself to think instead of shutting it down and pushing the real shit out of my mind.
And I hate it. It's so annoying to think about all the fucked up shit.
But I have to. To make myself a better person I have to. I have to accept it.
I have to understand that I'm beyond and better than the fucked up shit people have done to me.
And I feel like I've made a lot of progress.
I'm trying to open my heart up a little more. Its really hard because I still wanna be alone a lot. I dont wanna tell people about the good vibes I've had because I'm afraid they'll just ruin it somehow.
I wanna keep my happiness a secret to most people around me. I just want people out of my space.
I just have secretive instincts. Most people don't know how im really feeling deep down.
"You're in a good mood," I got greeted with by someone at work today. She seemed shocked because most of the time I'm brooding and stoic and straight to business when I come in. I'm cold with lots of them until I warm up. And I hate that. That I always feel like I have to have some guard up at first. The night passes and with the people I like I usually get comfy with and we end up folded over giggling about something perfectly sarcastic and fucked up that Blake says that I feed off of.
I love that dude a lot. I think he actually considers me a friend now. And i him. We have bonded over a lot of messed up shit and our equally fucked up sense of humor.
There's a few people that I realize I'm actually starting to value there as friends. People I wanna tell stuff about and talk to.
Other people that wanna hear about my day and that I actually find myself caring about.
So it looks like as soon as I decide I just very well might be open to something brand new the universe just likes to open up its arms and drop beautiful things right into my lap and I can't lie im loving it like mcdonalds.
I'm fucking feeling. Feeling good and at peace with myself and how everything is.
I'm starting to be open to all these pretty little maybes.
I feel an excitement I haven't felt in a while. A newness.
I'm open, not a claim staked on me. And seems like the moment I change my energy its people ready to take advantage of this vibe.
I feel possibilities in so many directions.
Want to go here? Wanna see me today?
Most of the time I say no. Or just don't want to.
More often than that I've been going little places just by myself again because I forgot how much I adore my own company. And it feels so good. I feel so thankful just to have stood on the beach again in front of a sunset that made me appreciate life.
I'm tired but feeling. More than I have in a bit.
I deserve this. The adventure. The attention. It feels good.
And honestly I don't even have to barely work for it. Im such a catch and I can't even deny that, no matter how hard I am on myself. And people see it. Know it when they hear my voice. See my talent.
Damn I'm fine as fuck.
I'm more open with myself and working harder again. Setting goals and taking steps to reach them.
I feel more confident and stronger.
And im just thankful for it because I deserve it.
Let the past die.
Kill your demons and watch yourself slay.
There's really nothing stopping you but you.
