Where have you gone? No one really knows for sure.
They don't. They claim they do.
But they're just self righteous.
And judgemental.
They just want my life on a platter. They want to eat out my heart and chew it up and spit it back at me like stale jerky.
They dont want me to be miserable of course but they want me to be a slave at the expense of my happiness and autonomy.
Today my heart feels rotten. Stinking and gooing like it could drip down my ribcage and sink away.
I wish I could tear it out sometimes.
Especially when I get messages from her on today of all days. Gutting and guilting me.
Confusing me.
I still remember her fucking face right in front of mine. Crying and begging me like she was on a stage and it makes me furious.
Makes me torn.
Because I know she thinks shes right.
And she thinks I'm going to die.
Maybe I will. Maybe i already am.
But if i do I'd rather die as me.
I cant change the beautiful person I am.
If I did I wouldnt know love. And life without love is an empty shell.
I'm just learning it over again. Genuinely.
I miss you. So much. I'll never stop.
But dont blame me for hating the way she guilts me.
That message was such a low blow.
Telling me youd be disappointed in who I've become. Warning me that I'm going to die. Today of all days. To fuck with my head.
I've struggled so much not to hate myself because of their beliefs.
And for her to tell me that you would be disappointed in me and not want to speak to me anymore.
I know it's not true.
Kiya said she feels like theres a presence here. That shes heard things whispering when shes been laying in my bed and I wasnt here.
She said she feels a darkness. Nothing evil... just dark. And sad.
I told her it might just be me. I've always been dark.
Or it could be something else...
It could be that presence that followed me when I was a child. My personal shadow watcher.
Or it could be... you
Are you still here somehow. Are you watching? Do you see someone share my bed and feel the same way the bitch that holds all this guilt over my head does?
I saw the way they all looked at me... like I was suddenly nothing but disgusting to them. People I've known all my life.
Do you look at me that way now?
I know I made you a promise.
But if I keep it I will be denying my own identity. Its woven into the fiber of my being. I cannot change or deny the way I love.
I wouldn't want to change.
Today of all days is hard.
To see people with their families. Alive and not perfectly happy but... together at least.
So many dont know how lucky they are cuz they cant know what it feels like to have lost all that.
To have lost everything.
Sometimes I still feel like I've lost myself.
I am still trying. I'd hope youd just want me to be happy. Or to try for that.
But when she says things to me... it confuses me. Makes me second guess that maybe I am a disappointment and not just in this way.
Maybe it doesnt matter.
I just wish they woukd leave me alone since I'm so disgusting to them.
I wish I had a real sense of belonging. I wish I had a family that accepted me.
And today I just want to sleep.
But first I'll sing you a song in case you are watching. That's the only thing I can give you now.
