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Today's the day I take my first pregnancy test since I started fertility pills. I am so nervous.. I know it's most likely going to come back negative.. and it's going to be so upsetting. It's all part of the journey though. We get there when we get there.
The three tests sit on the counter top, and Tom holds my hands tightly, kissing my forehead.
"If it's negative.. we just keep trying." He reminds me.
"It just feels like we're never gonna get a baby." I sigh.
"I know.. but we will. Sooner or later." He assures me.
This is so nerve wracking. Waiting for the results of something I want so bad but most likely won't get. I also feel so guilty. I want to be able to give Tom a baby, he deserves it, but my stupid body won't let me. I feel like a failure.
"You're overthinking." Tom says, pulling me from my thoughts.
"Yeah.." I sigh.
"We've always got Tess. She's our baby." He smiles.
My phone alarm goes off, and I give him a nervous look.
"Do you want to look or should I?" He asks.
"I will.." I say.
I slowly walk over, closing my eyes to take a deep cleansing breath before I open them to look down at the sticks.
"Tommy.."
"What my love?" He asks.
I grab the stick, turning to face him.
"I can't tell.. is there two lines?" I ask.
He looks down at the stick, squinting slightly to try to tell the results.
"I don't know.." he mutters.
"Well great! I may or may not be pregnant!" I laugh.
How ridiculous..
"Should you pee on it again?" He asks and I laugh loudly.
"That's not how it works." I state.
"Well what are we supposed to do?"
"I have a different kind that says either pregnant or not pregnant on them." I say, rummaging through our stuff to find them.
"Well why wouldn't we use those first?" He asks.
"Because I didn't think we'd be too stupid to read the results."
I find the tests, and pull them out. I wave Tom out of the room and once again pee on the sticks. This is getting very old very quickly. I have taken so many tests.
I set the new group of sticks on the counter, inviting Tom back in to the room. I set yet another timer, and grab Toms hands.
"So.. Here we go for another stressful three minutes." I giggle.
"We both have a MBA yet can't read a pregnancy test." He laughs.
The time passes much quicker this time through, and I excitedly smile at him. I know it's going to say negative but thinking it might just be positive sends a spark of happiness through me.
"Okay.. this is it." I say.
I walk over to the test, and turn it over to read the results.
"Oh.."
"What?" He asks quickly.
I break down into tears, my hands covering my face. Tom sighs, walking over and pulling me into his arms to comfort me.
"It's okay, next time. We just keep trying." He encourages.
I pull away from his embrace, shaking my head at him.
"No Tom.." I say.
"What do you mean no?" He asks.
"These are happy tears." I say, showing him the positive pregnancy test. "We're having a baby."
His eyes widen, and the biggest smile I've ever seen grows on his face. I'm scooped up into his arms, and squeezed tightly.
"We're having a baby!" He exclaims with excitement.
I can't believe it.. I truly wasn't expecting this. I thought it would be months before we'd get a positive test.. I feel a flutter of happiness in my heart, and many overwhelming emotions. But mostly, I just feel so grateful.
I kiss Toms lips, smiling into the kiss. I'm so excited for our sweet little baby. I'm going to absolutely adore it. I know Tom will too.
"I'm gonna be a dad." He grins widely.
"The best dad." I nod.
"And you'll be the best mum. I just know it."
_____

After a long-ish day at work we come back home, laying on the sofa. I really wanted to tell Haz, but knew that I should wait until Tom and I can tell Haz and Stassie together. She'd never forgive me if Haz found out before she did.
He could tell something was up too. He kept asking why Tom and I were in such good moods, and what was going on. I need to tell everyone soon because the excitement I have is going to make me explode. The first person I need to tell is my mum, and I would call her now if I could but it's only eleven in the morning in America so she's busy and working. Everyone will know soon enough though. I just need to teach myself how to be patient.
"Hey little man." Tom says as he runs his hand over my belly.
"Tom it's not even an embryo yet it can't hear you." I laugh.
"Let me live." He scolds, and goes back to the baby talk. He's so fucking cute. I love the love he has for our baby already. It's a type of love I've never seen in him before, so pure and gentle.
"I hope you get all your looks from your mummy because she's the most beautiful person in the world." He says and I feel my heart pull.
I love this man so much.
"Speaking of looks." I start. "Things are going to change.."
he sits up, now giving me his full attention.
"What do you mean?" He questions.
"I mean.. my body. It's going to change, a lot. I'm definitely going to gain some weight, it's going to change how I look, how I'm shaped, even after birth things will be very different.." I explain.
"And I'll still love every single inch of you." He shake his head.
"Are you sure?" I ask.
"Darling, you are growing a little piece of us in your body. I don't care what it changes because after all of this we're going to have a baby of our own." He smiles.
"Either our little Louis or our sweet Lacey." I say.
"Louis needs to come first so he can beat up anyone who messes with Lacey." He comments and I roll my eyes.
"Lacey can fight for herself." I scoff.
"Yeah she will be able to, I'll teach her myself, but she won't have to because Louis is going to be a great big brother that takes care of anyone who messes with his little sister."
I am so excited for our little family.. life already feels so much more whole than it did before.

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