All I Want - Sequel

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Warning: this chapter contains sensitive subject matter

I excitedly get ready to go get some blood tests at my gynecologist to confirm the pregnancy. Then in four weeks we will get to have an ultrasound and in five weeks we will get to hear the heart beat. I'm so excited for every little milestone of this pregnancy.
"Hey pretty thing." Tom greets as he walks into the bathroom, kissing my cheek.
"I should be to work by eleven." I inform him as I brush through my hair.
"Did you forget?" He asks.
"Forget what?"
"I set you up with that therapist for 11:30." He says.
I groan with an eye roll, remembering the dumb therapy appointment Tom somehow managed to convince me to agree to. He said I need support after everything that happened with Derek. That before trials start and they ask me to testify, I will need a therapist to help me move on. I just think it's a waste of time, and I only agreed to get him to leave me alone about it. I really regret agreeing now.
"Tom I'm fine." I say.
"No you're not. And you'll keep telling me you are until I leave you alone about it, but lucky for you, you have a husband that cares about your mental health." He kisses my forehead, and looks into my eyes.
"Please go.." he pleads.
"Fine." I agree and he smiles.
"Thank you. I love you." He says. "I'll see you after work."
He kisses my lips, and heads out to the office.
I finish getting ready, and head to my gynecologist to get some blood tests done. I absolutely hate getting my blood drawn, it freaks me out so bad. Tom offered to come with me as moral support but I'm a grown ass adult and I can't be a baby forever.
Just as the phlebotomist pulls out all the equipment, my phone starts to ring. I see it's Tom video calling me, and I answer.
"Yes?"
"Couldn't let my girl get a scary needle without my support." He giggles and it gives me butterflies.
"That's so cute." I hear one of the nurses whisper to someone else across the room.
Tom and I really are relationship goals. I love him so much.
"Alright here we go, let's get this baby confirmation finally." My phlebotomist says, and begins drawing my blood.

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I go to to the therapy office, feeling a weird sense of relaxation as I walk through the doors. There's plants everywhere throughout the waiting room, and a kind looking woman at the front desk gives me a smile.
"Hi there, I can check you in." She greets.
"Amelia Holland, I have an appointment with Rachel Hawling." I say.
"She will be with you in just a moment, could you please fill this out for me while you wait?"
"Yeah." I nod, taking the paperwork and sitting down.
I start to fill out all my information, and let out a slightly frustrated sigh at the amount of information needed. Normally Tom takes care of all the paperwork so I don't even know all of this.
"Amelia?"
My name is called and I look up, seeing a short haired brunette woman with a smile on her face.
"Come on back."
I stand to my feet, following her through the door. We walk down a short hallway, and enter the room at the end. Tom got me the highest rated therapist he could find.. so let's hope this goes well. 
She spends a little bit of time just getting to know my current life, learning about my marriage, friendships, and job before diving into the real reason why I'm here.
"So Tom insisted on giving me some insight to the situation, but why don't you tell me yourself?" She asks.
So I go on to tell her about how he showed up at my office with a gun, and then how he held a knife to my throat. Talking about all of it just brings the feelings back up again. I don't see how this is supposed to help me.
"What was your relationship like with Derek?" She asks.
Really? She's just going to skim right past the fact that he nearly killed me twice?
"Well.. it was bad." I shrug.
"How so?" She prompts.
"He would get these mental breaks where he would just start screaming at me.. and being terrible to me. Then he'd blame me for it and say it's my fault and that I deserved it.." I explain.
"It sounds like this trauma stems from years of abuse.. not just these past two events." She says. "You were with this man for years and he sent all these messages into your brain that aren't true. We're going to unlearn those messages and heal this trauma."
I've never had anyone address my past trauma before.. I mean Tom and I have had a conversation about it here and there.. but I've never truly opened up about it before. To anyone. The only reason Haz knows most of everything is because he watched me go through it.
So I begin telling her my story. How I met Derek when I was 20, I fell in love way too fast, how he was great at first but slowly became a nightmare. Constantly screaming at me, gaslighting me, making me feel like everything was my fault.
"And did you believe him when he told you everything was your fault?" She asks.
"Not at first." I shake my head.
"So what changed?"
I feel a pull in my stomach, and tears threatening to leave my eyes. I've never told anyone this. Not my mum, not Haz, no one.
Am I going to tell this woman that I've just met one of my biggest secrets?..
"Remember, this is all to help you." She reminds me.
"I- i um.." I stumble over my words.
"Take a deep breath, and try again." She says.
I take a very long, calming breath, composing myself. Here we go.."
"I was pregnant with Dereks baby.. and I aborted it."
Saying it out loud for the first time ever feels so surreal. I feel like I'm disconnected from my body, floating away. But her words pull me back.
"So you felt guilt?" She asks.
"No.. but he made me feel like I should. I felt guilty that I didn't feel bad about doing what was best for me." I answer.
"And how does it affect you now?" She questions.
"Well Tom and I had been struggling to get pregnant, and it was frustrating to me that I got pregnant with that awful man so easily, but it's so hard now with the man I actually love.." I explain. "And part of me feels like I don't deserve this baby.. because of what I did."
"You made a decision that was best for you." She shakes her head.
"I knew I couldn't be tied to him forever. I had to do it." I say.
"You know what would be really helpful?"
I already know what she's going to say. I can't do it.
"Talk to your husband about it." She says.
I knew it. I can't tell Tom though. What if he thinks less of me? So many things can go wrong here.. I don't want him to look at me and see a different person than he does now. I like the safety of him being blind to my past and the things I had to go through.
"I'll think about it." I say.
My session comes to an end, and I make an appointment with her to come again next week. I think Tom was right. I need this.
I head to the office, and go up the elevator.
"Good morning Mrs. Holland." George greets as I walk past his desk towards Toms office.
"Morning George." I say.
I reach his office, and open the door. He points to the phone that is held to his ear, indicating he's on a call. I walk over to him, sitting on his lap as he talks. His hand brushes over my hair and rubs my back. He even sneaks a quick kiss while the other people talk. He loves me.. I can be honest with him. I hope.