Burnout (K.Sn) [Sequel]

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"Hello," I waved at the camera I had set up in the bedroom as the boys all had sat down to play some game out in the living room, "September 30, 2020... Lin's diary vlog. I think I have a lot to talk about today... and it's gonna be with no filter, so if I'm not allowed to say these things, just delete the log," I stated before running my hands over my hair and back to the bun I had tied my hair up in, "I think I have to admit I have been... I've been struggling quite a bit lately actually.

Let me quickly explained this... I have always been someone who wants to live up to the expectations others have for me, and if I feel I can't do that I get really stressed. Secondly, I'm really bad at people raising their voice at me, I'm really bad at taking people raising their voice. Thirdly, I will not hesitate to say it if I feel something is wrong or off about something. These three... or at least the last one sounds weird with the two others. But believe me, it makes perfectly sense. The question is just where I start?

Uh... right, I've been put on a diet by the company. I have asked for reasoning, and apparently my thighs are too big, or whatever. So right now, I'm allowed to eat a meal a day, and I've chosen brunch. I've just always liked breakfast food more, and if I place it as brunch it gives me just enough energy for me to carry through practices. Then before bed I have some... diet tea I have to drink as well, and in the mornings, right after I wake up, I have to take some other diet supplements. So lately... I've actually... usually I really love food and eating, but because I really want to live up to the weight expectations that have been set for me, for when we debut, I've almost become scared of just eating that one meal... and it just frustrates me so much, because it's not supposed to be like that and if it carries on I know I'll end up developing some disordered eating. But I want to have a healthy relationship with food. So yeah... currently struggling with that... that's one.

Uh what else were there... right I was in for a health check up the other day. Everything is all good, my d-vitamin levels and iron levels are a bit low, but I already knew that and I am taking supplements for that. They also checked my lungs, and let me tell you for any of those out there claiming that I'm not capable of being an idol because of that old accident. My lungs was just a little bit worse than everyone else my age, but like... 5% or so, so my lungs are completely fine... take that! Uhm... but the reason I had to go get a health check up is, the company wants to put me on birth control pills, to stop my period for the times I'm having a tight schedule... I don't know if it's a bit too personal to share, but now I did it... so yeah... I don't really like the idea but I was told it would be the best for the group to put on the best perfromance you guys... so I'm willing to do it, yeah.

I do think... the thing that I'm struggling with the most... is my past. I have been told I'm not allowed to speak of my culture, my acting work, my previous survival show, or where I'm from. Which means I'm also not allowed to show that I'm able to speak other languages than Korean and English, I'm not allowed to speak of my other friends that I have beside the boys, like none of them, I'm not allowed to talk about the struggles I might've had on Youth with You, and I'm not allowed to speak of my parents. I'm especially struggling with it because... I can't speak up when the boy speak of their families or such on Vlives, and there's a lot they don't know either because I haven't really spoken with them about my past in more details... They know some major events and such, but they don't know much about it. Like... up until lately some of the boys didn't even know I was Chinese. Some of them thought I actually was Korean and not Chinese. So yeah... I wish I got the chance to talk about those things, because we don't have much time to do it in the dorm or during practices...

But yeah... overall, I do feel the company is quite harsh on me... the meetings we've been to they talk to me in quite a sharp tone and just generally downgrade me however they can. It's just... it's so different from what I experienced at I-Land, and I know they have to because now I'm actually gonna debut. I would just really love it, if maybe they could compliment me just once, like they do with the boys.

Yeah... I think that's it," I nodded at the camera, "one last thing though... I do see all those nasty comments people leave for me. But you know what? So far... I don't really care," I shrugged, "so for now... Lin is out!"

I let out a small sigh before turning off the camera and packing the tripod down. At least I had gotten it out then.

"Noona?" a voice spoke up, making me jump and immediately place a hand over my heart.

"Oh my- Niki, please don't do that again," I breathed out from shock, "you scared the living dead out of me."

"You know what? Lets go to the convenience store," he stated and I frowned over at him before he walked over and pulled me up from the floor, where I had sat down.

"Why?" I questioned in confusion.

"Lets cheat on your diet," he grinned and quickly grabbed his phone from where it laid charging.

"Ah, I can't," I immediately shook my head at him.

"Yes you can, now come on," he urged and tugged on my arm, "it's just this once... for me?" he cutely pouted making me let out a small laugh at him.

"Ah... okay then... just this once," I nodded at him as he grabbed his buckethat and threw my beanie to me, "I can't believe you got me to do this," I shook my head in disbelief as I pulled on my beanie and tugged my hair over behind my ears before grabbing a hoodie of mine and throwing it over my head, succesfully hiding my hair.

"Everything for the little one," Niki reminded as I followed him out on the hallway.

"Woah, where you two going?" Heeseung called out and we both turned into the living room.

"Convenience store," Niki replied with a wide grin, "just noona and I."

"At this hour?" Heeseung gasped.

"Don't worry, Niki's strong," I assured, "right?" I looked at Niki who immediately nodded at me.

"But you're on a diet, Lin," Jake reminded and I nodded at him.

"I'm just walking with Niki," I assured, "he needed company. We'll be back soon."

"Before midnight!" Jay called out as Niki and I rushed down to the front door.

"Sure!"