His Little Secret

30.Kurono

It was the same thing. The same thing every time, all the time. I thought it would get better as time passed, that eventually I'd get over it, but it still hurts. It hurts knowing that Eri's sad and scared, and it all feels like my fault, because it is. She deserves to be happy, she deserves to live a normal life, but she can't. I never thought that giving her up would mean she'd live an awful life filled with fear. I love being here, with the bullets, even Mimic. With Kai. I could never imagine leaving them, but would I have left had I known Eri's fate all those years ago? Would I have left my home to take care of her like I should have been doing? Or would I have still stayed and given her up?

I looked at Eri, enjoying the movie. She seemed happy. But that's only when we aren't hurting her, which doesn't happen often. She's happy she could do things that kids her age do. I want her to be happy. I want her to smile more. I want her to not be scared of being at home.

Maybe the reason I gave her up so quickly back then wasn't just because I wanted to stay. Maybe it was because I knew I couldn't be an actual father to her. I could kill someone easily. I could make drugs. I enjoyed doing these stuff, but Eri needed actual parents. And deep down, I've always known that couldn't be me. When I found out, I was happy, but also scared. I wanted her, I really did, but I had no idea what to do. No one to actually use as an example to follow. I was thrown away on the streets then found by Boss. He gave me a home, but my whole life had been given to learning to kill, making drugs and weapons. Even as a little kid. I loved doing those things, but I always wondered how it would feel to have a normal life. I was mad at my parents for throwing me away, it wasn't until I'd done the same that I was able to think that maybe they gave me up because they knew they couldn't take care of me. It wasn't until I started hurting Eri that I thought maybe they gave me up because they were scared of hurting me. It wasn't until I had really let the guilt sink in throughout the years that I thought they might have been trying to save themselves from getting attached.