A Feeling Of Normality [Bucky Barnes x Reader]

Part 4. Fearlessness.

A/N: You might find this chapter somehow weird but I really tried to stick with Bucky's character and YN's caution here. They're still two broken souls, after all. I hope it's somehow realistic. Also, this is the final chapter that's so short. Yay!

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The days go by and [Y/N] and Bucky are getting closer and closer. He still has no idea what really happened that one night but [Y/N] came to his apartment two more nights to wake him up. His nightmares are on the rise, almost as if his memories become more the more time passes. But he remembers everything since some time already, shortly after his fight with Steve Rogers and that is the problem. The memories torment him at night and keep the pain alive that he could not feel for years because of the reprogramming. But he can't tell [Y/N] any of this. In fact, Bucky is afraid to say these things out loud as if they would make everything more real. There are days when he would like to ban [Y/N] from his life because she makes him feel better and he doesn't deserve it. And he has still no idea who she really is. She could betray him. And he's scared of accidentally hurting her. But there is something about [Y/N] that makes Bucky feel less lonely. There are days when the same kind of sadness and pain is reflected in her eyes that he knows from himself. More than once the questions are on the tip of his tongue: who exactly she is, where she comes from, what she wants in Bucharest. But she never asks him these questions either, even though [Y/N] would probably just as much want an answer.

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It's one of the nights where Bucky lies in his bed, still awake because he's too worried about having nightmares again and the cheap mattress seems to have become even more uncomfortable than it already was. Whilst thinking that Bucharest has been the right choice to hide at, he hears screams. Usually, he ignores sounds like that because, of course, there's crime in Bucharest, too. Especially in a neighborhood like this. But he can only protect himself if he ignores such things and stays hidden.

This scream is different though. It comes from his neighbor and it gets under his skin, causing something like fear and worry rising inside him. He listens closely and there's no more screaming but he can hear her whimper loudly. And after everything [Y/N] has done for him, he can't just ignore those noises. She could be in danger and he feels like he needs to check up on her. So Bucky quickly throws on his red shirt and leather jacket and then heads to [Y/N]'s apartment. He knocks on the door carefully and calls her name but the whimpering doesn't stop. Without further thought, Bucky throws himself against the door with his left arm, which opens immediately. If he would've known that she doesn't lock her door either, he could have just opened the door normally. But since he knows that she used a fake name, it is actual obvious. No one who's hiding here has a key.

However, the thud is loud enough to wake [Y/N] up and she looks at Bucky startled, who's still standing in her doorway, confusion written on his face. Her eyes are wide as the horrific scenes of her past she was dreaming about are still on her mind. They slowly fade the longer she looks at Bucky.

"Tea?" he presses out when he finally realizes that [Y/N] only had a nightmare. He's surprised that he has come here to help in first place, however, [Y/N]'s gaze is enough to keep him worried. She looks terrified.

"Sure" gasps [Y/N]. Bucky carefully closes the door he broke on the hinge.

"I think I broke your door" he mumbles, still uptight.

"Well..." mumbles [Y/N], who is slowly recovering "I broke your floor once. Maybe we're even now."

"Yeah..." Bucky mumbles and [Y/N] goes to stand next to him in the kitchen. Her body is very close to his left arm and that scares him. He immediately feels uncomfortable, as if he could suddenly just strike. He tries to think of something else and hears her breathing, which is still a little unevenly, and he feels his heartbeat adapt to this pace. "Hard night huh?" he asks carefully.

"You don't have to hide your arm from me" says [Y/N] as if she hadn't heard Bucky's question at all. She can feel how tense he got the moment she joined him, sees the tightened grip on the kitchen counter and notices his breath hitching at her comment.

Bucky follows her gaze and sees that it is resting on his left arm. Slowly, her eyes travel up this arm until their gazes meet. At the same time, her right hand moves to his left hand. Her fingers tremble slightly when she gently touches the metal fingers, not from fear but from nervousness. She doesn't want to scare Bucky or make him feel even more uncomfortable. "I'm not hiding it from you..." mumbles Bucky and his gaze shoots at his fingers as soon as [Y/N]'s hand touches them. "Don't..." he presses out.

But instead of listening to him, [Y/N] increases the pressure of her fingers and squeezes his hand. "Thank you" is all she says and hopes to ease his tension.

Surprise is written on his face as he wonders what she's thanking him for. Her eyes show, in addition to sadness and pain, gratitude and Bucky knows that she really means those words even though he doesn't really understand them. His thoughts make him forget about their hands that are still touching but when his eyes looks down to their hands again, he quickly withdraws from her grip. "You should really stay away from me" he says quickly, taking a step away to bring some distance between them. "I've only ever harmed everyone."

"So have I" [Y/N] replies cautiously and silence falls over the both of them. They just look each other in the eyes until Bucky can't take it anymore and averts his gaze. The storm inside him is raging once again and he would like to yell at [Y/N] that she should stay away from him, that he is a danger to her. He wants to finally make her aware that he's dangerous and make sure that they'll never meet again because he fails to stay away but he's ashamed. He is afraid of his own feelings that he currently cannot assign.

But when [Y/N] looks at him like that, he can't help but stay with her. Those looks full of sincerity, sadness and affection - he can't resist them. [Y/N] also averts her gaze from Bucky and sits down on her mattress, a little dejected. "I'm pretty good at taking care of myself, you know..." she mumbles.

"I know..." Bucky replies embarrassed. He remembers the bruises he had after their little fight, which of course he would never tell her. But whatever she had done that night, it had come from tremendous power. He doesn't want to underestimate her but he's scared of what he's capable of. "I'm just not a good company."

A tired smile plays on [Y/N]'s lips. "I thought we left that point of conversation behind. I like your company." Their eyes meet again and [Y/N] looks at Bucky in surprise. The look he gave her gave his thoughts away. "You wish you could leave me behind!" she exclaims.

"I never said that!" Bucky defends himself but then nods. "I just think it would be best for you."

"You barely know me, James. I can decide for myself what's best for me." She almost spat these words but it's desperation speaking out of her. Bucky has become to her what comes closest to a friend and she doesn't want him to leave her just because he is scared of what he could do. [Y/N] can see the doubt in his gaze and knows that she has to come up with something to make him stay because otherwise, he'll walk out of her door and she knows that they'll never talk again then.  But it feels like words aren't enough anymore.

She moves the ground beneath her with a slight movement of her right hand and the surface directly under Bucky's right foot rises, causing him to lose his balance and spill the tea in his hand. "What the hell..." he mumbles and looks at the floor in confusion, the liquid dropping from his hand. 

"Earth bending. Pretty lame, I know. But that's only part of my bag of tricks" [Y/N] murmurs as she explains herself to Bucky. Only then does she raise her eyes to meet Bucky's gaze again. "You should know that HYDRA didn't stop their experiments after they had created you."

Bucky swallows and doesn't know how to react. The name 'HYDRA' alone causes stomach pain. "HYDRA ..." he presses out after what feels like an eternity. This finally explains why she knew his name the night she found out that he's the Winter Soldier.

"I won't talk about it if you don't talk about it" blocks [Y/N], unwilling to reveal any more secrets. The memories just hurt too much. "Just... don't leave. I'm not afraid of you, Bucky."

"I know" he mumbles. "And that's what scares me."