A Feeling Of Normality [Bucky Barnes x Reader]

Part 32. Admiration.

He listens to the narration of her memories and notices every change in her voice, which reveals exactly whether she is feeling pain, longing or despair at the thought of them. His feelings adapt to hers, so that he alternates between feeling pity, sympathy and warmth. Especially when [Y/N] talks about Emily, he feels this warmth, this extreme form of affection, which he knows only too well from his friendship with Steve. Many of her memories are no longer there. Especially when it comes to her life before Hydra. Maybe these memories will come back one day, but maybe, Bucky thinks, it is better for her not to think back to old days and dead friends like him and Steve do. He almost feels sorry for [Y/N] but he knows she doesn't want pity, which makes him feel something even stronger: admiration. He admires her strength as she tells him what she went through and there is always a hint of relief and determination in her voice. He admires her handling of her experiences and the strength to deal with them in a way that he was never able to do with his own.

His gaze wanders down their arms, which lie between them, to their hands, whose fingers are intertwined. Depending on the story, [Y/N] had increased or decreased the pressure of her fingers or when she was talking about Emily, let her thumb run gently over his skin. A wave of well-being fills him at this sight while he, lost in thought, begins to stroke the back of her hand with his thumb. Without taking his attention from her words, he thinks about how normal it feels to lie next to her and hold her hand. How normal this warmth feels when they're that close and how normal his life feels with her around. His gaze rests on his right hand, made entirely of flesh, and only for a brief moment does he wonder how his life would have been if he hadn't fallen off the train. But he can't find a solide answer. A life without war, struggle, torture and a life without [Y/N] seems too surreal for him. She was his salvation and her tremendous willpower will be her own salvation too. He knows she doesn't need him to endure her fate. [Y/N] doesn't need anyone. Not Steve, not Natasha, not him. She is strong enough to get along in life on her own. But she is here with them because it enriches [Y/N]. And he admires that strength of her. The strength to always care more about her friends than about herself. A noble, but sometimes stupid quality, as Steve had proven often enough.

He lifts his gaze again and looks into the depths of her eyes in which he gets lost as so often. He is amazed how normal it feels for him to be so close with her and how nice it is to hear her voice, no matter what she tells him.

Hours go by in which they talk to each other and share their memories. Talking to Bucky not only makes [Y/N]'s memories more real, it also makes it easier for her to process what she's experienced. Hours pass during which they take turns in their conversations and Bucky takes over the active part more than once. He talks about the few memories of his sister and his parents, the trace of grief can only be easily recognized by his voice since he finished with this part of his story a long time ago. He talks, once again, of evenings with the Howling Commandos, the memories often make him smile.

It becomes very late and the room is only lit by the small night light. Both lie on their sides and look at each other. As so often, [Y/N]'s gaze is on his dog tags that have slipped out of the neckline of his shirt. "Why are you wearing them again?" she asks gently as her fingers run over the cool metal.

Bucky's eyes wander over her soft features until they reach her [y/ec] eyes again, glowing like the eyes of a child - curious and sincere. He moves his arm to grasp [Y/N]'s upper body and pull her closer to him. With a smile on her lips, she rests her head on his shoulder. "They remind me of who I was" admits Bucky gently and presses a kiss on her hair. "Who I am. That I'm no longer the Winter Soldier but James Buchanan Barnes."

Since [Y/N] can't think of a suitable answer, she lifts her eyes to smile affectionately at Bucky, who gives her a loving kiss on the lips. A tingling sensation runs through her body the moment their lips touch and automatically she finds a rhythm with Bucky's lips. His second arm now also wraps around her in order to be able to hold her even better, while the loving touch of her lips seems to continue to heal the broken pieces of his soul. Her kisses are tender, loving, affectionate and he will not interrupt her until he has to catch his breath to enjoy the feeling for as long as possible.