A Feeling Of Normality [Bucky Barnes x Reader]

Part 42. Whatever It Takes.

FIVE YEARS LATER

She can feel the knot in her stomach, a pain in her throat as she tries to stop her lips from trembling. Natasha is close to crying, her whole body tense as she's trying to keep control. She doesn't want to cry in front of her friends. "Will you find out where he's going next?" She quickly grabs her sandwich, taking a bite and looking back at Rhodey, acting like she's all fine even though the man can tell that it's all an act but knowing her well enough to know that she wouldn't accept any help or worry.

"Nat?"

It's then that her eyes give her away, getting watery, her body shaking slightly. "Please?" she begs, trying to hold onto the last bit of hope. She knows it's useless but she's not ready to accept the fact just yet. She knows Clint wouldn't give up on her just yet either.

"Okay" Rhodey says, giving in and disappearing on her screen.

Just when he's gone, Natasha finally allows her emotions to show fully, tears rolling down her face, allowing herself to feel the pain and feeling desperate of losing everyone but most especially, losing her best friend.

"You know, I'd offer to cook you dinner but you seem pretty miserable already" Steve says, almost getting a chuckle from his friend. Her hair is much longer now, the blonde hair only in her peaks anymore, red color mostly being back.

"You here to do your laundry?" Natasha asks. It's been weeks since she's last seen Steve but she has to admit that it feels more than good to see a familiar face outside a screen.

"And to see a friend."

"You don't have much left of those, hm?" Natasha answers and leans back into her seat, taking a deep breath. "Clearly, your friend is fine."

"You know, I saw a pod of whales when I was coming over the bridge."

"In the Hudson?" Natasha asks slightly amused as it seems that Steve is still just as bad when it comes to small talk.

"There's fewer ships... cleaner water."

"You know, if you're about to tell me to look on the bright side... Um... let's just say you know how that went the last time. So... If you are... I'm about to hit you in the head with a peanut butter sandwich."

"Hmm" Steve chuckles and begins to move closer to her. "Sorry. Force of habit" he says and sits down on a chair opposite the table and opposite Natasha. The latter passes the plate with the rest of the sandwich to him. Steve just sighs and leans into his seat as well, looking at the sandwich instead of her eyes. He feels it too. The despair, the pain and the loneliness. He always feels it when they see each other, as if every familiar face is a memory of everyone who they have lost. But avoiding each other and being alone is much worse.

He finally lifts his gaze, remembering why he came here in first place. Reminding himself that there was a life before all of this and that they're still living a life after their battle against Thanos because they survived. "You know, I keep telling everybody they should move on... and grow. Some do" he says, almost proudly but if there's anything to be proud of, it's them who should be proud of themselves for being able to move on. "But not us" Steve adds, seeing Natasha averting her gaze already, eyes moving to a framed picture of Sam, Bucky, [Y/N], Steve and herself, standing close to the desk she sits at. It's one of the few visible memories she has left, keeping it to remind her of better days.

"If I move on, who does this?" she asks, her eyes now wandering further to look at the room in general, so many memories of who the stuff in here belonged to.

"Maybe it doesn't need to be done."

Natasha shakes her head, slowly but determined. "I used to have nothing. And then I got this. This job. This family. And I was better because of it." She takes a break then, eyes moving to Steve, analyzing how honest she can be with him, knowing her words will hurt him, no matter how she puts them. "And maybe [Y/N] was able to leave it all behind. She wasn't there from the beginning. But even though they're gone and she has left... I'm still trying to be better."