A Feeling Of Normality [Bucky Barnes x Reader]

Part 26. A Day Off.

A/N: I have to admit that this is my absolute favorite chapter and I don't care about the extra-length. I'm sure you won't mind either because this chapter is beyond soulful to me. I put all my heart into each chapter but I have never re-written a chapter so often until everything seemed perfect. I'm in love with the result and waiting the past weeks to finally share this chapter with you has been the longest wait in my entire life. I hope you all enjoy some soft Bucky and the day YN and him spend together.  So put on some cute pop music and enjoy reading. <3

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[Y/N] is standing behind the closed door of her room, her left hand on the handle, her right hand grasping the key in the lock. She sighs and closes her eyes while leaning her head against the door. She is tired. Tired from 5 days of floundering thoughts and thinking about how to slow them down. 5 days of inner restlessness and feelings of guilt, suffering and despair.

And as if 5 days of this chaos weren't enough, it's more than 24 hours since [Y/N] realized how strong her feelings for Bucky really are. She knows that it's too early to say that she's in love with him but what she feels is way more than a crush or simple attraction. And she'd like to talk about it with someone but the awareness of her feelings for Bucky is just another part of the storm inside her.

She is tired of hiding. She is tired of locking herself in her room for a few hours every day in order to organize her thoughts and still not get ahead. And she doesn't know what to do next because she doesn't know who to talk to. Not only her thoughts, her heart seems to be confused too. Steve, Natasha, Bucky... her closest friends are just waiting for [Y/N] to open up. But [Y/N] doesn't know who the right person to talk to would be.

Bucky has been by her side for days. She doesn't want to burden him any further and yet she knows that it would hurt him if she talked to someone else first. Bucky probably understands her best because their fates are similar. But her racing heart near him, which she can no longer control, especially since yesterday, is not exactly beneficial.
Steve would be the next obvious choice. Especially because they still have to talk about how he got that file of hers. And he's the only one who can probably guess what's really going on between Bucky and her. But something has kept her from going to his room for hours.
Natasha is her female best friend, but [Y/N] could never tell her about Bucky. Bucky and her still have that pact to keep their little affair a secret and she'd never break his trust. Who knows if it would even change anything if she talks about her feelings for him. Still, [Y/N] favors that Natasha is the person most likely to distract her with her own strength. But distraction is something that [Y/N] doesn't long for at all at the moment.

Silent tears run down her face when [Y/N]'s right hand turns the key and thus locks the door, while she sinks to her knees exhausted and doesn't know what to do.

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It's past lunchtime when a knock on [Y/N]'s door, which is still locked, interrupts her doings. Said sits on the floor and stares at the drawings spread around her. But instead of arranging them, new drawings have been added once again. Though this time, they aren't scenes from her past but drawings of a man that, without her knowing it, is standing on the other side of her door. She has drawn him sleeping in her bed, laughing or simply sitting on her sofa, a book in his hand. There's even a drawing just of his dog tags that she has taken a closer look at way too often by now.

"One moment!" [Y/N] shouts in response to the knock and quickly collects her drawing sheets and stows them in a folder, which she puts back on the shelf. Then, she quickly checks herself in the mirror to make sure that there's no sign that she has been crying a few hours ago.

Finally opening the door, [Y/N] sees Bucky all dressed up in a black leather jacket, dark clothes and wearing his black leather gloves.
"Wow, you look lousy today" he greets her but his voice is full of concern.