A Feeling Of Normality [Bucky Barnes x Reader]

Part 47. Time.

It's almost strange how calm and quiet the world feels, even though it is more chaotic and lively again. It feels like time has stood still while the hours flew by. Bucky almost feels like drunk, single sequences of the past hours coming back to his mind whilst they all clean up the ruins of the Avengers Compound.

He and [Y/N] stayed up all night to talk about what had happened. It had taken hours because they stayed silent for half an eternity. It were times to process what [Y/N] had told him and times for her to come to terms with the pain while telling Bucky how he was simply erased from her life.

Five years. He had missed another five years of his life. Five years in which he simply hadn't lived anymore but his friends have. Five years of leaving [Y/N] alone. Something he never wanted to do. Five years that had never existed for him but which were real and painful for [Y/N] every day. He had be gone for five years whilst [Y/N] had to continue living. Five years. Two years longer than they've known each other. He gulps, feeling the knot in his stomach at this thought. He looks up to meet Sam's gaze, free of any mockery but full of sympathy and he nods before turning back to this own work. They're mostly looking for any equipment that has survived, something they can still use. Steve and Bruce have said something about time travel and that they need the machine. Bucky has no idea what that meant or what he's even looking for, so he just looks for anything that isn't a clutch of rubble.

And he knows there is more. That there were stories from those five years that [Y/N] hasn't told him. But she can't deny it because he feels the change. And it is almost unbearable, unimaginable to have two versions of [Y/N] now. He had seen his girlfriend a couple of hours ago but now there's this new version of her. Everything is different. Her hair, her weight, her body, her language, her distance. She is a completely different person and Bucky has to accept that, but it is difficult for him to understand. Everything in him longs for her closeness, for her touch, for her gentleness. But all of this seems impossible at the moment, leaving him desperate. He knows that it is only logical and yet it is difficult for him to understand it. It will certainly take days, if not weeks, for him to process this change. But the way [Y/N] behaves around him at the moment makes him worry that he does not have this time anymore. Like a shy deer, she recoils when he gets too close to her and she constantly keeps her distance, looks for tasks to do to avoid him and he worries that she will run away completely very soon.

Bucky doesn't know how to go on from that point on but he knows that he'll do everything to keep her. He just knows that he has to save their relationship somehow because he can see that she still loves him and that she's just scared. And he doesn't want a single day to pass without having her by his side, no matter what has happened. And he kind of knows, or at least hopes, that she wants that, too.

It feels like a bad dream. To know that the world kept moving without him once more. To learn to start all over again and on top of that, to fight for his relationship. This time, it's not just about him. It's about them and so many more. These thoughts alone make Bucky feel helpless and he knows that there is someone who can make him feel better, but he cannot get close to her. He knows he would be better as soon as he could hold [Y/N] in his arms. As so often, he would focus on her heartbeat and breathing and the feeling of her skin on his. But it is no longer possible. But even worse is the feeling of helplessness towards [Y/N] herself. Bucky can only imagine what has to be going on inside her, what she has to think and feel. And he feels helpless because he would like to be there for her to help her but he can't because his near is only making it worse.

He thinks of every moment they've spent together in their three years together. Every smile she waved him in Bucharest, every time they had a cup of tea together, every time his heart was racing nervously when he knocked on her door. Every compassion when he'd held her after nightmares. And he thinks of every laugh, every smile, every joke she cracked with him and every moment of her soft voice when they spent the night talking. He thinks of their date and when they danced through the living room of the rented apartment and every time she climbed onto his lap with a smile and kissed him softly shortly afterwards. And he feels the stabbing pain of missing her, even though she is so close to him.