A Feeling Of Normality [Bucky Barnes x Reader]

Part 22. The Past.

When Bucky wakes up the next morning, he feels [Y/N] lying in his arms way before he even opens his eyes. His fingers gently brush her back as he remembers her joining him last night. She sleeps so peacefully that her features are completely relaxed and covered by some of her hair. Her right hand lies under the pillow, the left hand in front of her chest, her left leg bent to support the sleeping position on the side. Bucky lovingly strokes the hair from her face to take a closer look at it. It's still rare for them to spend the night together but the morning after is always special for Bucky. On these mornings he notices how quiet his nights had been and how well rested he feels.

As he lies next to her, Bucky wonders what bothered [Y/N] so much that she snuck up to him and whether she would have done that too if he hadn't kissed her a week ago. He wonders if it's just her physical affection or if [Y/N] generally feels something comforting about his presence like he feels about hers.

As he watches her, he notices how much the woman in front of him has changed in the past week. He'd met her as a tough, confident woman, but she'd looked almost fragile for the past week. He knows it takes a lot for her to show her true feelings and he only remembers one time where she dropped her facade before. It was the night in Bucharest when she told him about her power. He had barely been able to stand her touch on his hand at the time and wanted to finally keep her away from him. He didn't want anyone trying to help him or telling him he wasn't as bad as he was. He had seen the worry in her eyes when she realized that there was nothing she could say that would change his mind, as if she was seriously afraid of losing him. Just for once, [Y/N] hadn't hidden her true feelings but was her true self.

He wonders if [Y/N] was just as worried when Steve and him flew to Siberia on their own than she is now. She had fought bravely and he had heard the determination in her voice when she told them to leave. But now that he thinks about it, she had lost her last bit of security in that moment. Her apartment in Bucharest was gone, she had fleed in Berlin and her only friends flew away in a jet. It was only thanks to Steve's promise that she hadn't ended up in jail like everyone else. Still, she must have been terrified. 

A knock on Bucky's door pulls him out of his thoughts. He knows it can only be Sam who wants to annoy him again, asking him for a run or something to compete with him. Since they're both somehow Steve's best friends, there's always a tension in the air between them and Bucky would have to lie if he said it wasn't some kind of top dog behavior between them.

Fortunately, [Y/N] did not wake up from the noise and Bucky puts the blanket over her once he crawled out of the bed to open the door. He quickly puts on a shirt and then sneaks out of his room, already preparing for Sam's raised eyebrow for behaving weirdly. But he is not ready to reveal the woman that's sleeping in his bed. It's still a secret that something is going on between the two of them and he prefers it to stay that way for the time being.
Instead of Sam waiting for him, there is no one other than his best friend Steve Rogers. A smile emerges on Bucky's lips, who is visibly relieved to see that his friend is finally back and is fine. But his smile disappears as quickly as it came when he looks into Steve's serious and concerned looking eyes. Wordlessly, he hands him a file.

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"You can't show her that" says Bucky some time later in a stern tone. Steve and him had gone to the living room and for the past minutes he had carefully read the file Steve had handed him. And it was horrible. He had never read his own file, nor did he want to. He knew what had happened to him. But reading what happened to the woman who was still lying peacefully in his bed had been unbearable. Terrible things are noted there and it is clear that [Y/N] doesn't remember much of it.

"She needs to know, Buck" says Steve and Bucky can tell by the pitch of his voice that he is not willing to argue about it.

Nevertheless, he shakes his head to disagree. "That's too much..." he mumbles. "You can't do that to her. It will break her."