Four Dates and Tons of Insecurities

Chapter 21

Chapter 21

🌷Karthik POV

Today is the day I marry her. The last 6 months she has been such a great friend to me. She was there for me when I had a few problems like when I had to pick a gift for Rahul or meet up with many people like my fiance. We were at the venue for this marriage to happen.

"Hi!Mom." I shout as I enter the house only to find her waving at me while helping my brother with his homework. I went up to her to hug her.

"No! Didn't you just now come from school. Go get changed up and cleaned up."She tells me. I do as I tell. After I come back from freshening up, I go and hug her but she pulls away quickly."Mom, I'm hungry ."I tell her while hugging.

"Go to the kitchen, I prepared something for you to eat." She tells me.

I guess that's how my mom shows me, love. She doesn't like hugging too much. She doesn't sit with me while eating, but she knows what I want to eat at the end of the day. She might be present there, but I don't feel her love. Maybe I am not capable of feeling any love. My friends are by my side always. But I don't feel love towards them. I found the girl I like expecting it to turn into love but that was vain.

I thought my mom doesn't show me, love, because am not the kind of son she wants but that's not the case according to her. Later the fault lie's with me. I am incapable of love. Love- something I can't seem to find it anywhere.With mom?With dad?Friends? nowhere.

People say love is in the air! Where is it? I can't touch it. I can't feel it. What is love where does one find it?

But games, they were different. The first game I ever played told me this 'You are awesome, You are a winner.'

No one ever told me that. No one never told me they were proud of me, no one never told me they liked something in me. Maybe I am unloveable? The fault might just lie with me.

I kind of lead a double life during my college. Morning I was the college nerd and at night I was the champion of the game I played.

The whole world knew me as 'Philian00b' during that time. In a span of two months, I became the champion with no face. That's how my love for games was and the only love I ever found. Every time I open the game I was showered with praises, It always felt true appreciation, which I really craved for.

Slowly I started crubbing off my feelings. I stopped sharing how I felt.No, one listened anyway so there was no point.

But people thought of me as dumb. Fine by me at least they don't bother me. I was alone as always and will be.

But when Adithi was around people were happy and smiling. Whenever I wanted to hang out with my brother she was invited to join. Maybe I was jealous of her because she had everything I wanted. That's why I pushed her in the dark.

I don't want to give excuses for what I did to her. But it still hurts, when people point that the sole mistake was me. It hurts always

Because of all this, I am just a guy who earns a lot and is a bit dumb. But I let it stay that way. Cause no one needs to know what I feel like.When they don't even care.

My train of thoughts were broken. Right now am sitting opposite Adithi.

The curtain things open and the first thing I see are her eyes. There was some kind of warmth In her eyes. Then her smile -a genuine one to be honest.

No one ever smiled towards me that way. Her eyes held an emotion that I really never felt before. She was constantly asking me if I was ok Like she cared for me. Does she care for me that much? I mean it's so new to me. People never cared for me unless they benifitted.

Am I imagining things? No one cares for me as far as I remember until they have something to do with me.

The day is over and we reach home. Adithi cooks dinner for everyone and the food was really tasty. I go to my room only to find it all decorated with flowers and other stuff. I take my time to clean it all out so she doesn't feel uncomfortable.

Is it on to hope I will find love when I don't even know what it is like? Will I?

But all this time she was occupying my mind.I didn't know what to do. I have this really bad habit of smoking when I over think so I lit one thinking it would take Adithi a lot of time to come.

As I was smoking" Mr. Karthik Aroura! I never knew you smoked!"It was Adithi. "Yeah, I do it sometimes."I tell trying to hide the cigarette."It's ok! I don't mind. But only one a day."She warns."No I only smoke when I am overthinking, not every day."I tell her truthfully.

"Do you wanna share or talk about it?"she ask me. Is she concerned about me? Why?.

"Yeah, I wanted to know something. What is love?"I ask her genuinely.

She looks at me."Love for everyone is different, For me, love is unconditional and unrequited." She tells me.

"Do you love someone?"She asks me.

"No,I never experienced it,Love is a really unkonown emotion to me."I tell her.

I never opened up to anyone."Have you ever loved anyone?"I asks .

She chuckles at that question.It was a pity chuckle."I love someone so dearly but they don't love me back.I have loved them since my childhood."She tells me.

"I was with you most ok the time in your childhood.I never knew you loved someone?Who is it?"I ask her thinking of every guy I knew she was with.

"I think it's time to tell it out, hid it for a pretty long time anyway. I love you Karthik. I love you so much. I loved you since forever."She tells me. 

I was shaken."What ?"Is the only thing I muster.

"I love you dumbo!"She exclaims while crying a bit.

"Please, Don't cry! But why me?"I ask her." Trust me I have been asking the same question since years.I really love you. It doesn't have an answer. But the only thing I can tell you is heart wants what it wants and it won't change for anything else."

I didn't know what to say ."I need time to think."I tell her.

"No just forget it. I mean its fine. We will be having a divorce anyway. Let's not talk about this. I am going to sleep on the couch. I am short so I can fit there. You sleep on the bed."She tells me.

"No-You can sleep-"I was trying to tell her but I was cut off" No! I will sleep here,you sleep on the bed. Listen to what I say! Good night." She tells me and storms towards the couch.

That night one slept on the couch one on the bed. Now, she loves me. Sorry not now since forever. She love me? Is that love what I saw in her eyes? What is love like and how do I show her? What should I say when she told me she loves me?

I will try to talk to her tomorrow morning. I need to know a lot. I don't know what is happening.

🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸

Word count:1250

I never gave a back story to Karthik. Did you expect him to have this kind of past? What do you think his gamer name suggests? Life for anyone isn't easy. Each one has their problems. This chapter took me a lot of time to write. It's harder than I imagined to write from the point of view of someone who has never felt love. 

Love is very important in life. Without love, it's really hard to move. I am not only talking about someone else's love but self-love. So please spread love, not hate!

Thank you for reading till the end, Hope you liked the chapter. Do comment and vote. 

Meet you guys on the next chapter.

~Author